This is the vQuote page of the vinceunlimited website, which will eventually be populated with all the original and memorable quotations that have oratoraly spewed forth from the mouth of Vince.
Our lives are dominated by the phrases and sayings dreamt up at alcohol fuelled, barnstorming sessions in trendy, high rise office spaces by people wearing brightly coloured braces with a tendency to say 'think outside the box' quite a lot. At least that's what I presume.
I once applied for a position at one of these copywriting companies but wasn't considered. I had figured I would be good at the job and my natural talent would shine through. Plus the braces would have suited me. It would be more appropriate for me than the soulless industry I had fallen into.
However, possessing my kind of staying power and determination I gave up at the first hurdle and have been a closet copywriter ever since.
But now comes my revenge. The internet has allowed us all to fulfill our deepest wishes despite our given opportunities. Now, luck no longer controls our destiny and it's up to us to seize the chance and make amends for the injustices of fate. If only we could be arsed.
I will use this part of my website to publish the quotes, quips and sayings that I use or think up.
Kind of a personal Dictionary of Quotations.
All will be, as far as I am aware, original. Please advise me if this isn't the case.
And, as is the nature of these things feel free to quote them mercilessly. A certain pride will amass in my inner regions when I hear them uttered by the great and good. But don't forget that acknowledgement when appropriate.
The vQuote Quotations
First published in version 3.0 in Mar 2010Hairier than a bear on Regain
Driving is a bloodsport
Beholden to the beaver [A lesbian]
Fuss should be measurable, in say units of ‘Lyndaminutes’
[Toilet euphemisms]Taking the kids to the pool
Making a deposit in the underground vault
Striking the Thunder-box
Giving a brown lecture
Squatting on the poop deck
First published in version 2.04 in Dec 2006Hey, when I look in the mirror I'm the best looking there
How long before the Police can arrest you for having a razor sharp wit?
Would murdering a girl called Susan be classed as Suicide?
As predictable as pudding
It is every man's fantasy to have two women sharing his bed - but they never consider all the pointing and giggling
Was it Pythagoras who first suggested it might be 'Hyp to be square'?
I don't mind that today's teenagers are unfit. At least when they try to nick my mobile phone and run away I'll be able to catch the fat bastards
First published in version 2.03 in Jun 2006To be considered knowledgeable you only have to know slightly more
It's not nice getting old - But the alternative is much worse
I'm a Terranoid. It means that I'm paranoid about terrorism. And just because I'm paranoid doesn't mean that they won't blow me up
Knowledge is multi-faceted. Only when you reach each edge will you truly know the limit
[Motorway sign] Banana Lorry Spill - Peel Off At Next Exit
[Sticker on car] I don't even slow down for racehorses
[Motorway sign] W.I. Meeting Ahead - Expect Jam
First published in version 2.02 in Sep 2005Praise the Lord? Frankly he needs a good kicking
If you believe that cleanliness is next to godliness then clearly you have a few pages missing from your dictionary
First published in version 2.00 in May 2005I'm not one to think what I'm saying - I say what I'm thinking
First published in version 1.03 in Feb 2005Green sky thinking [Much less restrictive than the blue variety]
You know your marriage is in trouble when the fear that your partner will leave turns to hope
I read it from cover to cover. Via the spine
Mothers ask you nice questions, like when do you want your tea? Fathers are more taxing, they ask questions such as where have you been, or why were you in the river? Or, what is the capital of Equatorial Guinea?
When I'm creative it's either there or it isn't. If I can't devise a method of intergalactic space propulsion during a single train journey I give up. The scientists of the world should be assured that I did once try
If dogs have such a good sense of smell why do they need to get so close to their mates rear end?
I'm the flamboyant sort who always flicks his underpants in the air on removal, catching them with my teeth. An action that I always regret afterwards
She is your number one fan. Is there a number two?
[Computer sign off] Gotta fly - Got R.S.I.
First published in version 1.02 in Mar 2004If undelivered. Why not? [Note at foot of registered letter]
His books are sold by weight. Not volume
Men share 90% of their genes with a chimpanzee. But only around 30% with women
The shortest route isn't always the best. On a spiral staircase for instance
This website is easily one of the best ten million in the world
First published in version 1.00 in Oct 2003Getting up at the crack of birds [An early start]
Bugger, I'm not immortal [Carved into a headstone]
Finally, a few put downs. These have all been used by me. Thankfully I'm still living to tell the tale
First published in version 1.02 in Mar 2004"Let me introduce you to Mr. Comb."
[To my wife trying on a jacket] "Frankly, it looked better on the hanger."
[On wanting to find the right time to look good for a photograph] "Well. It's a narrow time window."
If you like my style of sayings you may be interested to know that you can search many of my website articles by snappy quip alone.
Seek such wordiness under vQuote - 'Click to choose a website quote' in the right column, or by selecting the appropriate blue button tagged below.
Author: Vince Poynter
Version m5.176 20 Aug 2018
The idea of vQuotes was originally published as 'copywriting' in Version 1.00 in Oct 2003