2015 Tweets - An Explanation

I joined Twitter at the beginning of 2009 and had made a summary of the best Tweets from that year under the title Primary Tweets. I did the same again for the year 2010 under the title Ten Tweets, in 2011 as 3rd Year Tweets, 2012 as Tweety Twelve, 2013 as Thirteen Tweets and 2014 as Twitter 14. Now it's 2015.

Although fairly comprehensive it is not a complete reposting of every Tweet that year. You will need to visit my @vinceunlimited Twitter Feed to get absolutely everything.

Finally, for those without the time on their hands to read the whole story I have also created a 'Best of 2015 Tweets'

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Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.295 25 Apr 20




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Best Tweets of 2015 - 2015 Tweets - My Twitter Story of 2015



Ten Best Tweets from 2015

For those of you that just like the best of the best I have curated this list of my top ten best Tweets of 2015. Based on my personal choice, not based on views, likes, comments or retweets. They are in no significant order other than date of posting.

I went to mime school. Didn't like it. But I didn't say anything
I tried one of those selfie sticks. I prodded a man three feet away and asked him to take my photo
Some are saying that the number of Bees are reducing. I say ollocks
If I were to do the #GreatNorthRun I'd dress in motorcycle helmet, jacket and boots. Then add the motorcycle for authenticity
Met a guy who was an ex-thief, now looking for a job. He said he was willing to take anything
Toilet roll.
One of the less popular choices in Greggs
Of course the wealthy already have driverless cars. Or as they call them, chauffeurs
China's one child policy failed miserably. In 2014 nearly 17 million were born
Last night I found out two things.
1) Ripping the wife's bra off with your teeth is very exciting
2) Dental charges have gone up 10%
My wife has a wicked sense of humour. She only laughs at witch based shows

Have I picked the ten best? If you want to know the full story of my Tweets in 2015 just scroll down.

Author: Vince Poynter
Curated: Version 5.295 25 Apr 20
First Published: Twitter during 2015



2015 Tweets - My Twitter Story of 2015

Once more into the breech my friends. The muzzle that is the Twittersphere, that is. This is the story of my Tweeting Years in 2015. Or at least the most remarkable ones.

You will see that after over five years of fairly comprehensive and regular use of the service my interest began to wane a bit, particularly in the first quartile. However this break allowed me to recuperate some energy for the SM site and I came back strong from May.

As always this collection will be more enjoyable if you start off on the understanding that this is not Reuters, a travelogue or a series of pointless lifestyle snapshots from a pretty young blonde. You have to understand that this is a random take on vicarious subjects with an attempt to find at least some humour in each carefully, hand written, crafted paragraph.

All the entries here are [mostly] exactly as they were posted online, contemporaneously, without rechecking spelling, grammatical corrections or censure, due to a desire to maintain historical accuracy. However I have added an odd explanatory [word, letter or sentance] to make sense of some situations as they stood at the time.

So, there you go, enjoy. You should see many great one liners from this year

4 January 15

Brought myself a smart TV. Now it keeps showing up my inadequacies

5 January 15

[In response to] @Open_Comedy Tried to get my new sofa out from DFS but couldn't. The door was reduced by 50%

6 January 15

[In response to a Tweet from] @TonyCowards What do you call a gathering of comedians? Anything you like, they all support free speech

12 January 15

Despite the fall in barrel prices Oil of Olay is refusing to drop in price

10 February 15

Opened the door. Enormous explosion. I thought "Not another TNT delivery"

14 March 15

Scientists can now genetically engineer children so they don't speak quite as loudly. It's a minor improvement

1 May 15

The Church of England is selling coal based assets to 'send message about climate change'. Is this admission of no Divine influence?

2 May 15

Used to have a rescue dog. Called him AA.
But he took to drink

15 May 15

I've been trying to get to sleep for about an hour now. It must be coming up to bladder o'clock
Doctors are now recommending light cycling. All very well but I don't live inside the movie Tron

22 May 15

I have a marriage made in heaven. Which as you know is a make believe nonsense with no base in science or truth. A bit like heaven

23 May 15

I've been on the straight and narrow for three weeks now. I think I've turned a corner

24 May 15

I'd have no problem doing 12 rounds with Lennox Lewis. I love toast
I asked the restaurant if they could make me an authentic Native American meal. They said, first I'd have to make a reservation

1 June 15

It's officially summer time so naturally it has been raining gnats and frogs. Which is a bit like cats and dogs, only lighter

2 June 15

Today I made some PVC into a pancake shape, concentrically scored each side and put a hole in the centre. Which must be some kind of record

6 June 15

I went in the Chemist and asked if they had anything for a sty. They suggested some pigs

8 June 15

I'm in trouble. My misses wants a bigger bicycle saddle and I suggested DFS

9 June 15

The weather today seems to be Meh

13 June 15

Went online to change my password to bottom. Bank wouldn't allow it. Said I had use more than two characters

14 June 15

Went to one of those Farm Shops. They do a great deal on a 200 acres dairy herd. But I settled for a small holding

18 June 15

I went to mime school. Didn't like it. But I didn't say anything

19 June 15

I tried one of those selfie sticks. I prodded a man three feet away and asked him to take my photo

26 June 15

British female boxer Nicola Adams claimed she had a rocky start to her year. No wonder she is now doing so well

5 July 15

Thought I'd try out Naturism yesterday. It went well. Admittedly, I was having a bath at the time.

19 July 15

Some are saying that the number of Bees are reducing. I say ollocks

21 July 15

Here's what 40% of cuts to Government spending looks like: Government s

3 August 15

Q: Where do Cowboys buy their beans?
A: At the Indian corner shop
Soon we'll have many GM by products including crops grown for clothing. I'm looking forward to seeing the new Oat Couture ranges

12 August 15

Just drove 30 miles with a bee in the car. It was like a mini-episode of Life Of Pi

13 August 15

Most of those A level students going through clearing have probably never associated the word with up
Students get their A level results so quickly today. I recall waiting days. Only to be reminded that I didn't actually take the exams

14 August 15

We've got baby changing facilities at the dealership. Last week a woman managed to get a Paddock Jacket, Beanie hat and a keyring

25 August 15

Did you hear about the locksmith vandal? He keys cars
Turned off the wireless as the presenter was a pig. My fault, I suppose, for listening to Ham Radio
A little tip. Always carry a pair of glasses. You never know. One wine may spill

27 August 15

Got into a fight with a guy in an opticians. He said I shouldn't hit a man with glasses. So I threw a box of contact lenses at him

29 August 15

Top computer tip. During an image search don't get frustrated and type bollocks #SomeThingsCan'tBeUnseen

30 August 15

A friend gave up drinking. Killed him in the end. I say in the end, it was after 3 days. Lesson learnt, don't give up drinking. Just alcohol

10 September 15

Stopped off for lunch at Nandos. The misses just picked at her chicken. I reckon it had a good chance off hobbling off afterwards

13 September 15

If I were to do the #GreatNorthRun I'd dress in motorcycle helmet, jacket and boots. Then add the motorcycle for authenticity

22 September 15

The next thing we'll find out is that they test emissions on hybrid cars during the electric run cycle
Twitter gone into overdrive about this #Volkswagen emissions scandal. Which is ironically how they got the lower readings in the first place

26 September 15

I would be a celebrity but I'm concerned I might have to meet Keith Lemon

27 September 15

It's g
Or to put it another way. It's the middle of the night
The aircon has broke and I've got a fan in the room.
He really likes Man United and he's not helping the situation one bit

28 September 15

I'm always suspicious of Table Salt. Why would anybody want their salt tasting like a table?
Imagine living with Michael Portillo.
Hey Michael, could you pop down the shops for some tea bags"
"Yes, according to Bradshaws Guide..."
[Michael Portillo, an ex MP, had turned his talents to presenting jobs on TV and became famous for following the modern British Rail system by attempting to reference the Bradshaw’s Guides, a series of informative railway timetables used between 1939 and the early 1960s]
"Where are you Michael?"
"I'm just going to the loo.
According to Bradshaw's the toilet is to be found by going down the corridor..."
"Ooh, Michael, you are so passionate"
"I'm following Bradshaw's 1905 guide to making mad passionate love..."

30 September 15

Met a guy who was an ex-thief, now looking for a job. He said he was willing to take anything
I reckon I could get at least a D in self deprecation

1 October 15

A friend of mine stupidly poured quick drying cement over his body. I told him to have a long hard look at himself
Can't quite fathom out who is worse. ISIS or ISIL
Apparently skateboarding doesn't involve getting on a fish. I'm now banned from the aquarium

2 October 15

Why is it that when someone beats you away from traffic lights into a single lane ahead they then proceed to travel at the speed of smug?

5 October 15

My weight has hit maximum again so decided to count calories today. Soon ran out of fingers. And can't use toes as they're beyond view

7 October 15

Toilet roll.
One of the less popular choices in Greggs
Counting calories is time consuming. Can I allow for the effort it takes?
I'm just like a supermodel. Always bloody hungry

9 October 15

Tweet
Tweet
Sorry for the retweet
I would like to have more followers on Twitter. Do I..
a) Work hard to improve content
b) Change my avatar to a pretty girl

10 October 15

Best incomplete Tweet 2015
'I met the Queen yesterday and she'
The outlook on my nocturnal activities later today has been quoted as good to soft

11 October 15

If I could have just one social media platform then I'd...
...be in 2002

15 October 15

The guys at work were discussing a whirlpool. Not me. I didn't want to be dragged into it

16 October 15

There should be a LinkedIn for the unemployed...
That isn't FaceBook

18 October 15

When counting calories is it best to go up in tens or hundreds?
We are no longer 'upstairs' or 'downstairs' people like in #DowntonAbbey Nowadays we are all about six stairs up

20 October 15

Lost my job as a Spy when they asked me to go under cover and I spent a week in bed under the duvet

21 October 15

I once made a cleaning device designed specifically for Police Stations. It didn't catch on and remains my only brief brush with the law

25 October 15

I don't have Sky so I follow Table Football. After each weekend I look up the table to see who's progressing

26 October 15

If I bought a driverless car and sent it to park while I was at work, what's to stop it starting it's own taxi service?
Of course the wealthy already have driverless cars. Or as they call them, chauffeurs
Personally I'm waiting for the first fight between driverless cars over a parking spot. That may sort out the Android vs iOS argument
I bought a driverless car last year. It read roads, maps, the Internet & communicated. It went straight to the High Court & claimed freedom
[In response to a Tweet from @dancludlow] Funny enough my Grandfather was a hospital. We could only visit between 3 and 6 and he was full of drugs
I'm really concerned about all the alleged health risks associated with red meat. From now on I'm ordering my steaks blue

28 October 15

Confuse followers by commenting on a Tweet they posted more than a year ago. If questioned tell them that they have got their dates wrong
Just looked up my Family Tree and there's a damn cat up there

29 October 15

No one turned up at my agoraphobics testimonial
In breaking news - Someone snapped a Kit-Kat
Never mind the bars, vault and beam. If I tried gymnastics I'd fall off the floor
Does anyone fancy an interesting, detailed discussion about a serious subject matter tonight?
If so might I remind you this is Twitter
The room has warmed almost imperceptibly.
In related news, my tea has gone cold
In the Middle Ages their favourite radio program was The Archers
China's one child policy failed miserably. In 2014 nearly 17 million were born

3 November 15

I wasn't very good at glue sniffing but I did stick with it
How does my flat screen TV manage to display a fantastic depth of field?
What drink do delicate blooming flowers prefer?
Bud Light
#1PUN
I used to work in the advertising department of a world renowned pavement laying company. We had a great pitch
[This inspired a mini meme and so I continued, the next day as it was late on 3 Nov when I posted my first. The meme, as usual, didn’t catch on]

4 November 15

I used to work in the advertising department of a world renowned turf laying company. We had a great pitch
I used to work in the advertising department of a world renowned busking company. We had a great pitch
I used to work in the advertising department of a world renowned musical company. We had a great pitch
I used to work in the advertising department of a world renowned storyboard company. We had a great pitch
I used to work in the advertising department of a world renowned boat rocking company. We had a great pitch
I used to work in the advertising department of a world renowned tent erection company. We had a great pitch
Is a thief's favourite cake a Stollen?

6 November 15

If nothing else the £27k university debt gives you the skills to chuck a mortar board in the air
If I was given the opportunity to go to the International Space Station I'd be very tempted to fire the retro rockets & do a quick moon lap
In related news - I'm unlikely to be offered a chance to go on the ISS

8 November 15

It's Sunday. A time to reflect on religious matters.
Yep. Still bollocks

9 November 15

I'm a petrosexual.
I don't mind what fuel my car uses
I need to get fitter. Do you mind if I run a few Tweets by you today?
If you are on Twitter you are like someone shouting on a bus full of people who are shouting, whilst two people in the corner try to talk

10 November 15

Do sporty crabs wear shell suits?
I've yet to see a bus shelter that could actually fit a bus

11 November 15

If you practice something for over 10,000 hours you become an expert. Which explains why men are so good at farting
My misses put the radio on just for the two minute silence. Then switched it off afterwards. I was speechless. Well it was only appropriate
Is The Bank Of England our coastline?
Golf courses are areas of man made beauty. Which can only be improved by ridding them of the vermin golfers
Stone Aged man's favourite biscuit was the Club
Wanted to order an eBook about bravery but found they were all just spineless
[On 13 November 2015 there were a series of terrorist attacks in Paris, including suicide bombs, mass shootings and a hold up in a theatre. Many related Tweets were sent in the next few days, including my tribute to the victims below]

14 November 15

. .
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I
I
I
A
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A A
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A A
A A
For Paris

[This worked much better with the spacing on Twitter. Visit @vinceunlimited on Twitter to find out how]
I've finally deleted FaceBook. Well, my data only. Now worried that no one will express concern as to whether I am ok hun
Last night I found out two things.
1) Ripping the wife's bra off with your teeth is very exciting
2) Dental charges have gone up 10%

16 November 15

If sausages wrapped in bacon are called 'Pigs in Blankets' should sausage rolls be called 'Pigs in Duvets'?
There's only one way to defeat terrorists. Get Toyota to do a service recall on their Hilux pickups, then not let them have them back

18 November 15

Currant status - I don't have any

19 November 15

I've risen to the very foot of the ladder, I'll have you know
The ratio in plain chocolate digestive biscuits is wrongly favoured toward the digestive bit
Most of us admit to people watching but set up a deckchair in the high street and you suddenly get loads of objections
Nothing beats Sausage & Mash. It would totally clean up in a game of paper/scissors/rock

20 November 15

Twitter - where bad puns go to die
Twitter demographic:
1) Those who secretly wish their great puns were used on Have I Got News For You
2) Others
Twitter demographic:
1) Those who constantly retweet Celebrity bile in order to ingratiate themselves with perceived fame
2) Sane people
I'd love to do BBC Mastermind. I imagine hearing "...at the end of round two your score is one. You passed on nineteen questions..."
They should do an Internet version of #Gogglebox
Googlebox perhaps
With the presenters sat around their laptops in their pants

23 November 15

#TwitterTaughtMe If you have nothing clever, informative, smart or amusing to say - just ignore your personal dignity and comment anyway

24 November 15

I think the Twitter trend for World War III is wrong. It will obviously be called 世界戰爭3

26 November 15

Would murdering a girl called Susan be classed as Suicide?
My MO is to never use Latin

27 November 15

I've realised why scales think I'm so heavy. I always have my phone when I weigh myself & that contains thousands of songs
#WorstExcuseEver

30 November 15

Something really great
Just wanted to type something really great on Twitter
This is the most liked and retweeted tweet ever
🔃 9,509,208 ❤️ 16,382,438

1 December 15

BBC showing montages of ice melting then asking about water levels rising. Try melting ice in water and see what happens. Fool. Sorry, fall

3 December 15

Sprained my ankle. Was just passing through a run down part of town and got knocked over by a pop up shop
I want to get my weight down. I've always wanted fat feet
Today is the first day of the rest of my wife

5 December 15

My latest craze is to end a sentence abrup
So how has your day been today abrup?
Some people like football. Others cinema. Some go for celebrities. Personally I'm a ceiling fan
I took some Aspirin today
Kids, this is bad. Don't copy me. You should always pay for things at the shop
My wife has a wicked sense of humour. She only laughs at witch based shows
He asked, "Can you play pianoforte?"
I said, "I'll let you know after the other 39."

7 December 15

Going to get my biggest payslip ever. They've changed the stationary

8 December 15

I follow so many funny people on Twitter I fear all the jokes will be used up by next Friday
♈️ℹ️🖇©📧🔰🖇💪🕴Ⓜ️🌡🌱📧↩️
#EmojiYourName

9 December 15

An open letter to religion...
Dear All,
Whilst killing each other over who's god is best, please leave us out of it.
Thanks, Secularists
If you are thinking of getting married might I suggest you do some shopping on the ring road
Her: "Your limp"
Me: "Sorry, but I don't fancy you"
Her: "I mean, why are you limping?"

10 December 15

Tried some pillow talk but all I got was down
First IVF done on dogs between a Cocker Spaniel and a Beagle. Producing one Spaniel, two Beagles, a Spangle and pair of Cocky Beagles
Whenever I want more money I go onto Minecraft, build a sofa, then look down the back of it for some BitCoins
Someone asked if I had any religious views so I told them that from my room I can see a Temple, a Mosque and two churches

11 December 15

I'll just repeat it for those that missed it first time around. Beware of the 140 character Twitter limit because otherwise you won't be abl
Just brushed my teeth. I thought I'd go for a centre parting this time

18 December 15

Do plastic surgeons at parties have a knees up?

20 December 15

An aubergine said to the crocodile "When's the match on?" And the crocodile replied "Surreal"

21 December 15

Went to my nephew 's son's christening today. Seems a bit harsh all that waterboarding stuff
If the vicar hadn't got everyone to smear oil on his head he wouldn't have had to wash him off in that freestanding sink
At least we all got a chance to renounce the devil. Which should definitely see him off for a good while
If only we had all thought of renouncing terrorism, poverty and disease. But hey ho. No devil for us from now on
Nine out of ten hospitals missing targets. Surely they are too busy to be doing archery?
Someone asked what sports I do. I explained that the misses and I have been rowing since we met

22 December 15

Since the introduction of recycling charges the bag lady in the high street is now worth over £4.20

24 December 15

Do you know who takes the best pictures of beer? CAMRA men

28 December 15

Why isn't there a Wallace and Grommit world? Ideally in Wensleydale

29 December 15

I looked at my Ninja mate's Fitbit readout. He's surprisingly lazy

31 December 15

Haven’t shaved for a few days. Should I do so…or buy beard oil?

Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.295 25 Apr 20
Tweets First Published: Twitter during 2015