Twitter '14 - An Explanation

I joined Twitter at the beginning of 2009 and had made a summary of the best Tweets from that year under the title Primary Tweets. I did the same again for the year 2010 under the title Ten Tweets, in 2011 as 3rd Year Tweets, 2012 as Tweety Twelve and 2013 as Thirteen Tweets. Guess what? Now it's the turn of 2014.

Although fairly comprehensive it is not a complete reposting of every Tweet that year. You will need to visit my @vinceunlimited Twitter Feed to get absolutely everything.

Finally, for those without the time on their hands to read the whole story I have also created a 'Best of 2014 Tweets'

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Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.282 31 Dec 2019




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Best Tweets of 2014 - Twitter '14: My Twitter Story of 2014



Ten Best Tweets from 2014

For those of you that just like the best of the best I have curated this list of my top ten best Tweets of 2014. Based on my personal choice, not based on views, likes, comments or retweets. They are in no significant order other than date of posting.

Should all atheists be called Godfrey?
#iwasinaband that gigged only in cake and sweet shops. Back then we were huge
One day I'll tell you about the grizzly I live with. Bear with me
My Uncle lost his wife at the zoo. I suspect the Anteater #animalalphabet
Reversed the car back down the multi-storey car park ramp. Which was wrong on so many levels
I beat all the chickens in a race. But I did have to break into a run
I said you're not the usual dental assistant. She said no I just fill in
I was in the restaurant and asked to see the waiter. I was shown the second man in the queue
I said "I knew a boxer once" He said "Amateur or Professional" I said "Pedigree"
Fireworks - So be careful with it

Have I picked the ten best? If you want to know the full story of my Tweets in 2014 just scroll down.

Author: Vince Poynter
Curated: Version 5.282 31 Dec 2019
First Published: Twitter during 2014



Twitter '14: My Twitter Story of 2014

As usual I continued my use of Twitter throughout 2014 and have once more collated all the most memorable ones here for prosperity.

Not that you will get any actual prosperity from reading this, or even checking the full archive at www.twitter.com/vinceunlimited, nor even if you check out my current tweeting, also at… well you know by now.

Looking back at my tweets during the year shows I was pretty busy doing the old tweet thing, just check out my productivity on 22 April 2014 for proof. Generally I majored on simple, humorous one liners including some you may see relating to the current issues of the day. I just wish I could remember them all so they could be amusingly inserted into my conversations at appropriate moments.

All together the collection provides a fantastic archive of amusing ideas, indeed a diverse, eclectic range from an inventive mind. Or, if you prefer, the confused rantings of someone who has yet to find something to settle on.

A couple of minor themes to look out for this year including a handful of tweets with hashtags, for example #iwasinaband in January and #animalalphabet in March, although most tweets are unrelated to each other, apart from their author.

As usual all the entries here are [mostly] exactly as they were posted online, contemporaneously, without rechecking spelling, grammatical corrections or censure. This is not due to laziness but a desire to maintain historical accuracy. However I have added an odd explanatory [word] or letter to help explain any mistakes.

So, go forth, read and enjoy.

6 January 14

Should all atheists be called Godfrey?
Generally I'm a fan of predictive text. However, sometimes my worms come out all fanny and change the moaning completely
So much rain around. If it was snow I could make a snowman. Perhaps I'll make a Dustin Hoffman

7 January 14

#iwasinaband formed of ex car inside roof repairers. They were headliners back then
#iwasinaband that gigged only in cake and sweet shops. Back then we were huge
#iwasinaband called dust. Back then everyone had dust on their TV

11 January 14

The National Geological Society store room totally rocks. Yeah
The ice-cream depot is totally cool
Went to buy an ice-cream and asked what toppings they did. He said that he had hundreds and thousands. Didn't have time to choose so left it
Bought one of those self-baking cakes but it was suicidal. It topped itself
Drove my Jeep through Mr Kiplings and it got thoroughly caked in it
Brought a pair of Jeep Wranglers. Should've gone for the more expensive Levi's
Tried on a pair of those button fly jeans but couldn't do them up fully as there's only one eye in Levi's
Went fly fishing yesterday. Caught a bluebottle
Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and you'll never see him on Saturdays again
If you want to learn how to drink whiskey find the best Teachers

12 January 14

You know that We Buy Any Car company. Would they take Jimmy? Or Alan?

13 January 14

I'm getting tired. I was up at 7. And I'm 51 now

14 January 14

I wonder how many fans are fitted in One Direction's aircon system?
Damn. Just broke my Crystal Ball. It fell off the table. I didn't see that coming
My mate had one if those genetic tests to determine how he might die. It wasn't very accurate. He got run over by a bus
A Psychic just asked if I wanted a reading. Would it be cheeky to ask for War and Peace?
My favourite superhero is The Green Goddess. By day she is a 1989's fitness queen, by night an army Fire Engine
Wanted a go on a trial bike. But the case may last several weeks
I think I've found the source of all dark. I think it comes out from under the bed at night
Been wearing a toilet cistern all day as a coat. Now I'm feeling flushed
Gonna start a cruise company. Will start with just a single ship as I'm good at one liners

15 January 14

I've heard that alcohol addles your brian

18 January 14

I asked for a few more chips on my plate. He got out a hammer

19 January 14

Plagiarists rule. I've heard it said

24 January 14

They say you should have your 'five a day' my misses claims 20 a day, if you consider the cocoa bean a plant

3 February 14

Do you know how many celebrities have been caught up in Operation Yewtree - 1970
Put some new wallpaper on my PC screen. Now can't see my emails
I'm trying to program in binary code without using any dots. I'm using a dashboard
When I was younger and fitter I did a lot of boxing. Mainly pipes by the skirting board
May contain nuts. Just a tip there if you are playing along with Countdown

4 February 14

Got a new App that helps me track cookies. But they are always in the biscuit tin
The band was only able to play cover tracks. So I asked to hear Duvet
Just got a chip in my windscreen. That's the last time I go through MacDonald's drive through

8 February 14

MySpace app needs updating. Presumably to 2006

9 February 14

A man walks into the bar. And immediately all the qualified barristers start complaining

11 February 14

I applied for a job in telesales but didn't get it as I hadn't sold enough 42" plasmas

15 February 14

Tried that Curling last year. Ended up with a perm

17 February 14

Variety packs of cereal. Why are they the same shape as last year?

22 February 14

My wife's favourite dog is the Chocolate Labrador. That is, one made from chocolate

23 February 14

I've woken up with a sore back. Can't even recall buying it drinks last night
My misses is watching Selfridges. I suggested she can watch all night but it still won't open until 8am
One day I'll tell you about the grizzly I live with. Bear with me
So I watched all the Winter Olympics. But where was the snowball fighting?

24 February 14

Wearing a tie today. Yesterday it was a Filipino

27 February 14

I became quite attached to my dog. Which is why it will be the last time I try sewing

28 February 14

I used to be a magnifying glass. But I can never stay focused
There will be 86,400 seconds today. Enough of them, who came first?

1 March 14

When I was a young magician I dated my assistant. When I finished it she was cut up

21 March 14

I was an only child. Which obviously upset my brother and sister
I grew up in a small holding. My older brother kept me in a headlock
When I was young my parents took me to the zoo. Luckily they wouldn't accept me

22 March 14

Sat on a train. If only they would open the doors I'd get inside
The Sun is in my eyes. Proving it's smaller than you think

24 March 14

I would like to play tennis at a higher level. So I'm joining the Mount Everest Tennis Club

27 March 14

Visited MacWorld today. Saw a great Gabardine

28 March 14

Discovered the vending machine dispenses Penguins. I really wanted a chocolate bar but it's nice to see the little critters waddling about

29 March 14

Thought I saw a tiger last night but there are obviously none around here. Must have been a lion in pyjamas
Went to a lovely bar. Great atmosphere but they have been known to water down their drinks. I don't mind though as I mainly drink Evian
My Uncle lost his wife at the zoo. I suspect the Anteater #animalalphabet
Birds must have been developed from snakes not dinosaurs. How else do you explain the Feather Boa? #animalalphabet
Asked the Queen why she let her dogs chew dinky little Land Rover cars. She said it's OK as they said Corgi Toys on the box #animalalphabet
What do you call a promoted Police Dog? Deputy #animalalphabet
On The Ark the animals went in two by two. Except the Emu. Who went in with Rod Hull #animalalphabet
What do you call a rodent which sits eating corn all day? A filled mouse #animalalphabet
The Red Arrows used to fly Gnats. Now they use airplanes #animalalphabet
Gave my puppy some coconut shells to chew on but he lost his bark. The vet said not to worry as he was just a little Husky #animalalphabet
I bought an enormous reptile. It was a Biguana #animalalphabet
All Jaguars are dual fuel. They eat small mammals and fish #animalalphabet
What's the most hunted antelope? The Osama Bin Llama #animalalphabet
I've been collecting Marmos all my life. I'm trying to build a Marmoset #animalalphabet

1 April 14

Reversed the car back down the multi-storey car park ramp. Which was wrong on so many levels

8 April 14

My wife wanted a box of Black Magic for her birthday. So I gave her a box containing three decapitated chickens and a voodoo doll

14 April 14

[A reply to…] @dawnyburnage I use the 364:1 diet myself. I hate the 9th February

15 April 14

I was told my trouser size is 33 31. How can this be? My legs are the same length

19 April 14

Back at Waterloo. The site of a major battle around 1815. Every night, for a commuting seat

21 April 14

A load of birds nearly broke my neck. My fault for wearing that brace of pheasants
I owned a bag for just three days. It was a brief case

22 April 14

I went to the doctor. He said you've got small wall syndrome. I said is it serious. He said don't worry you'll soon get over it
I was offered a job as a taxidermist but I thought stuff that
I beat all the chickens in a race. But I did have to break into a run
I asked a high wire circus performer what sort of jokes he liked. He said one liners
I asked an electrician what sort of jokes he liked. He said light comedy
I asked a lookout what sort of jokes he liked. He said observational
I asked a Cooper what sort of jokes he liked. He said barrel laughs
The dentist was taking ages. I was fed up to the back teeth
I said you're not the usual dental assistant. She said no I just fill in
I was in the restaurant and asked to see the waiter. I was shown the second man in the queue
My local restaurant serves chips with everything. Plates, bowls, cups
If you can keep your head when all around are losing theirs. You're the executioner
Wind farm technology is amazing. I visited one and was blown away

11 May 14

Purchased some AA batteries earlier today. They have to be used by 2023. Seems a bit harsh. I only bought them at half past seven

22 May 14

Has the FaceBook app been handed over to George Michael for the day. It keeps crashing

23 May 14

I'm not sure about this new internet ruling about the right to be forgotten. Like most others I'm fighting for the right to be remembered

1 June 14

Can't wait for these driverless Google cars. Will make my border drug running business a lot less risky
Concerned that my previous tweet may not be seen as humorous. Chances of a strip search next time I travel increased to fair to middling
At customs points, when you choose between Something or Nothing to Declare is it protocol to mention previous tweets?

2 June 14

My international horse riding equipment sales have suffered due to local tacks

3 June 14

The most unkempt James Bond henchman was Odd Socks

6 June 14

Fireworks on the D-Day beaches last night. A bit insensitive for the veterans, surely

7 June 14

I knocked a religious woman off her bike. She condemned me with a plague of insects. Her lawyer took on her case on a no win, no flea basis

12 June 14

The word on the street is SLOW
Yesterday the word on the street was GIVE WAY

17 June 14

Just eaten a Sub. So that's one less on the bench tonight
Love the internet technology on new cars. Just emailed my brakes. Now waiting for a reply

18 June 14

I want an easy job. Like a Fire Warden for an outdoor pool
Since my visit to Kwik-Fit I've felt tyred

23 June 14

I braved a barefoot stroll to the sea. Waded out to ankle depth but hit impenetrable line of tiny stones. No wonder we stayed land dwellers
Can you count the ability to change a loo roll in the dark as a life skill?
Govt spending £168m filling potholes. Personally, I'd use Tarmac

24 June 14

England are better than the opposition on paper. The trouble is all tournaments are held on grass

1 July 14

Thinking of cooking some beef on Mount Everest but the steaks might be too high

7 July 14

What would you have on your headstone? I may go for… 'I blame myself. Should never use More as the Safe Word'

9 July 14

Don't quite understand Hip-Hop. At my age I'm more familiar with hip pop

17 July 14

If spell check gets in the way, in the future will Google produce self driving cats?

21 July 14

I've just started seven weeks of Commando training. Easy start this week. I go without socks

24 July 14

Been reading the Periodic table. No laughs there. He Ha

25 July 14

Someone suggested I catch the last bus. Do you know when they'll be phased out?
The only swimming race I won was the 200mm sperm freestyle

26 July 14

I'm going to devote 10% of my brain power to resolving mathematical skills. The other three quarters will be for other things
Two arsonists had an argument. Turned into a blazing row

28 July 14

If I worked on my fitness I reckon I could run a marathon in about two years. Provided I start the race today

30 July 14

The Edinburgh Fringe is all about presenting a unique and original show. So my non-appearance there must rank as one of the best
As you get older your brain delivers more and more 404 Error messages. Never had these in the seventies

5 August 14

I'm a theoretical physicist. In a sense we all are. Well, except actual physicists

6 August 14

Scientists tracking Comet. Next week they move on to find Dixons

11 August 14

Nothing significant trending at the moment. Let's get #NothingSignificantTrending trending

12 August 14

Why do parents ask their kids where to sit in a restaurant? Next will there be pregnant women in doorways awaiting guidance from the foetus?

14 August 14

Why do car reversing sensors bleep? Is this an aide for the blind?
rld - That’s what the end of the world looks like

17 August 14

In my fantasy football team I'd have Jesus in goal. As I heard he saves
In my fantasy football team I'd have @ThePaulDaniels up front as I've heard he can do a hat trick
The biggest disappointment in my life is money moving between me and the National Lottery appears to be mainly in the wrong direction

18 August 14

@Open_Comedy I hate hecklers. And so do the others in the Operating Theatre as well

19 August 14

Trying to write but it keeps sending out huge shoots of water. My fault for buying that fountain pen

20 August 14

Just had a pillow fight. It had no chance. It was a pillow

21 August 14

Been watching the Discovery Channel. Very disappointed. No Land Rovers

23 August 14

Formula E cars running on the same track as F1 cars. What if one breaks down and leaves electricity all over the track? #bbcf1
Once dated a middle aged woman. I guessed 5 years older and she hit me

27 August 14

Down to 1% on my battery so I better sto

28 August 14

I picked up the phone and the girl calling me sneezed. I thought - not another cold caller

30 August 14

No matter how bad airline pilots or air hostesses get they never feel under the weather

1 September 14

Hoping Apple release some iFitness equipment soon. Have been preparing for this moment by becoming increasingly unfit over several years

4 September 14

I used to be a TV presenter. I worked in the audio-visual section of Dixons
The EU have banned powerful electric motors in vacuums and kettles. Doing my bit by only letting the misses have 2 AA batteries in her rabbit

5 September 14

I'm entering a Viagra design competition. It'll be tough. I'm facing stiff opposition

7 September 14

I said "I knew a boxer once” He said "Amateur or Professional” I said "Pedigree"

8 September 14

@Open_Comedy Q:What's the point of a football match. A: To start a football fire

10 September 14

Like others I'm not sure of the battery life of the #AppleWatch but sources close advise the strap should last longer than 24 hours

13 September 14

Formula E just starting. The Le Mans style start has been cancelled due to the danger of the drivers tripping over the power leads

15 September 14

@Open_Comedy I entered the Concorde D'Elegance. But in a surprise twist a guy with an immaculate 747 won it

16 September 14

My misses claims to have a superpower. Never being wrong
I have no raisins. That is my current status

22 September 14

"Look 3 wise men. It's a sign" Mathematician - "Technically that's 0.14122" (Maths joke)
What is a mathematicians favourite group? - Joy Division
Why can't mathematicians enjoy planting seedlings? - They can never find a square root
Maths joke - A man, his wife and two exes went into a bar. What is the value of x?

26 September 14

I'm expecting the Spanish Inquisition

30 September 14

Saw someone trying to offload a lorry load of iPhones. But I wasn't interested in a bent one [The latest iPhones were being bent by unwitting as well as fully witting owners]
My campaign for public hugging has stalled due to an unfortunate spelling error #CampaignForPubicHugging

1 October 14

I think I'm being followed. It seems to have occurred since I took out that tracker mortgage

2 October 14

Following Wonga's example I'm going to write off 330,000 old jokes as they were delivered to the wrong audience
Been checking the stats and it seems some of you haven't checked out my podcast yet. Yes, I'm looking at you 5,999,999,995
If you run over a black cat will you be half lucky? (Don't worry cat lovers. They've still got eight other lives)

3 October 14

These pills that stop you wanting alcohol. I tried them on Friday night and downed 16 of them. With some Pork Scratchings
It's really lazy to post a long tweet that doesn't fit in 140 characters then not edit it to fit in the space. Where's the skill in bit.le/D
Everything's been invented except the Biro the size of the ones in Argos but with a lid
Got to get to sleep early tonight. I'm planning a day in bed tomorrow so I want to get up early to enjoy it

4 October 14

I tried liking so[mething] on the Internet today. I didn't like it

5 October 14

I'm going to develop an Unfit-bit. A wearable which measures the afternoon nap, rates comfy chairs and makes sure you eat enough chocolate

6 October 14

I was asked, is this the most perfect building? I said no. It's got floors

9 October 14

New weather app on my smartphone. You don't even need to switch it on. Basically, if there are droplets of water all over it, it's raining
The cheapest car is the Freelander
The Rover 75. The only car to give an advisory age recommendation

10 October 14

The SETI Institute has long searched for strange objects. But none so strange as my long lost sofa

11 October 14

On a bus again. A sure way to see I planned a train journey today

12 October 14

So, football question. Goal keepers, do they still get to keep it if they lose?

13 October 14

@Open_Comedy With all the mad bike riders in London they should build more psycho lanes
Can't wait to get one of those iPhone 6s so I can do a time lapse sequence then slow it down in slow motion

14 October 14

It's National Lying Week

16 October 14

Unfortunately my automatic engine cut out business has stalled
Just got a Yorkie from the vending machine. To be honest it's a bit cruel selling dogs this way

19 October 14

iPhones are like wives. Very expensive. And best when upgraded once in a while for a slimmer model
Reached 600 views on my website. And I reckon only 450 were me
I'm a fan of tougher sentences. In fact - I unashamedly provide unerring support of multi-word constructs giving meaning to a single point
The trouble with the human species is that we've developed from survival of the fittest to survival of the fattest

21 October 14

All stocks are down. In the duvet factory
There's excellent 3G coverage in my area right now. The only trouble is I'm not there

22 October 14

My car broke down so I called the AA. Although how ten people sitting round in a circle discussing their problems could help I'm not sure

23 October 14

Someone asked if I had ever had sex on the road. No, but I once pulled off a motorway #badjokethursday
How exactly does a drain laugh?

27 October 14

People who randomly call you asking if you need life insurance are very annoyed when you explain you are immortal

28 October 14

The Met Office has built a supercomputer to tell what the weather is. If you are going to spend that much on Windows just look out of one

3 November 14

Fireworks - So be careful with it

4 November 14

So, where's all the 4G? I've only seen it come up on this new phone once. And that was very briefly. Is that what they mean by 'it's fast'?

5 November 14

There's a lot of people doing poor puns about fireworks today. But as it's 5th November I'll let them off

6 November 14

Had a flu jab. Can't see how the nurse stabbing one of the little blighte[rs] to death will solve the problem
I'm currently fighting a fire. Just putting it out there

9 November 14

When I eat Mother's sliced white bread I get an overwhelming sense of Pride
I nearly did #Movember this year. It was a close shave

14 November 14

The only time you should encourage your wife by saying 'push' are in childbirth or when in a car that won't start. But not simultaneously

15 November 14

It's been 30 years since #BandAid. Please give generously so in 2014 we may raise enough to pay Midge Ure to write another song

16 November 14

I'd like to find time to do crockery decoration but unfortunately I have too much on my plate at the moment
I was never good at the javelin. I could get it to stab into the ground but then the rear end would flick back and nearly have my eye out

18 November 14

My iPad has slowed right down. It was going at quite a speed when I chucked it across the floor
I'm down to 38% battery Just as well the computer, phone and tablet are fully charged
I wanted to open a pop up shop but ran out of Jack-in-the-boxes

19 November 14

Female lioness to friend. "That one over there. He feeds and cleans me. He's a keeper."

24 November 14

...roll on June. Which is incidentally the new summer advertising campaign for Sure Deodorant
My mate started collecting Velcro. He got hooked on it

1 December 14

I bought a dog called Solid Ground. He needed worming

5 December 14

Scotland has updated its drink drive laws. From 'You're ma best mayte, Jimmy' to 'justa wee bit peeshed'

7 December 14

After seeing all the Christmas adverts on TV I have come to the conclusion that this year I want a tablet. A headache one
Why do they call them car plants? They are assembled. Not grown

9 December 14

Q: What do you call a leading civic official working a late shift? A: A nightmare

11 December 14

The woman on the checkout asked if I wanted Cash back. I enjoyed tennis in the eighties but there's a limit
I need to drive some traffic to my website. Anyone got a suitable van?

12 December 14

In the past 3 days @wwf_uk has asked me to adopt a polar bear, a Snow Leopard & a penguin. If they add the elephant, I'm stuffed

13 December 14

I managed an entire performance without a cue. Not the easiest gem [game] of snooker, I must admit

14 December 14

The misses is watching war machine documentaries again. If the balloon goes up she'll be well prepared. To watch it all from the window
Does anyone know the number of Bill Payers? Apparently I need his permission to call

18 December 14

@Open_Comedy What tree do Die Hard fans put up at Christmas? A Spruce Willis

19 December 14

I've taken to having a quick doze post lunch. So very Continental. Next I'll be sleeping with secretaries & pretending not to speak English
This Christmas I shall give my family my presence

21 December 14

If you have an emergency and you need to call but your phone is in landscape mode do you dial
9
9
9

22 December 14

@Open_Comedy What do you call an old Christmas Tree seen year after year after year. A Spruce Forsyth

23 December 14

You may ask how he climbs the chimney in the first place. Santa claws

24 December 14

Do you know where I am right now? In Somnia [Tweeted late at night]

27 December 14

I remember all my school lessons. I did well in Maths and the rest is History

Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.282 31 Dec 2019
Tweets First Published: Twitter during 2014