Thirteen Tweets - An Explanation

I joined Twitter at the beginning of 2009 and had made a summary of the best Tweets from that year under the title Primary Tweets. I did the same again for the year 2010 under the title Ten Tweets, in 2011 as 3rd Year Tweets and 2012 as Tweety Twelve. I continue my efforts, this time procuring my tweets from 2013.

Although fairly comprehensive it is not a complete reposting of every Tweet that year. You will need to visit my @vinceunlimited Twitter Feed to get absolutely everything.

Finally, for those without the time on their hands to read the whole story I have also created a 'Best of 2013 Tweets'

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Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.269 8 Jul 2019




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Best Tweets of 2013 - Thirteen Tweets: My Twitter Story of 2013



Ten Best Tweets from 2013

For those of you that just like the best of the best I have curated this list of my top ten best Tweets of 2013. Based on my personal choice, not based on views, likes, comments or retweets. They are in no significant order other than date of posting.

I got flashed whilst turning round under a speed camera. It was a three point turn
Going to a fancy dress party dressed as a 9mm round of ammo. I'm hoping this will get me in a magazine
[On the new Mr Selfridge TV series] So far in this series he's not sold one fridge
We had a greyhound called Scissors. He never got enough exercise as we were not allowed to run with him
Saw a bald man at the Fringe Festival. That's just not right
I used to transport vicars to church. Lovely vehicle, leather seats, aircon, electric windows. Strangely, no rev counter
There are many stand up comedians operating in London now. Which is an indictment on the NHS
Someone asked me the difference between a Kite and a Buzzard. I said buzzards have brown plumage & yellow beak, whereas kites have a string
Toilet roll's run out. Quite a surprise. I didn't even know it could walk
There's a gap in the curtains. Damn retail outlets everywhere these days

Have I picked the ten best? If you want to know the full story of my Tweets in 2013 just scroll down.

Author: Vince Poynter
Curated: Version 5.269 8 Jul 2019
First Published: Twitter during 2013



Thirteen Tweets: My Twitter Story of 2013

2013 was a year that saw a greater uptake of high quality flat screen TVs including the introduction of 4K screens, a scandal involving unlisted horse meat found in British processed meat products, the Church of England attempting to disrupt Wonga financial services plus the spacecraft Voyager finally breaching the outer limits of the solar system. So naturally I made comment on all these things.

I also continued to gently mock issues relating to my favourite subjects, technology, cars, news and politics along with many other things that I personally watched and experienced. As usual the main theme was humour and I grabbed opportunities all year round to post such irreverence and gags.

Remember, all entries both past and live can be followed at www.twitter.com/vinceunlimited

1 January 13

Russell Crowe, Russell Crowe, riding through the glen That is why, that this film, watched by all women
They say there's no substitute for hard work. There is. Underachievement
I'm so hungry I could eat chips from a Casino
I think the greatest thing is wind. You can't hold a candle to it
In case you missed it last year is being repeated on Freeview channel 2012 + 1

3 January 13

Second interchange of the day. Clapham, the heart of the Southern Rail network. And like aged hearts all clogged up
All the 'Christmas' comedy DVD's still all over the posters. Why do they all claim 'Live'? Never seen a dead one perform. A few dying maybe

8 January 13

My fake @justinbeiber Twitter account seems to be doing quite well
I'm lazy. My ideal job, a sleeping policeman. Ideally, under cover
They say you can't put the cart before the horse. So tell me. How do you explain the Carthorse?
My misses asked for essential oils for her birthday. So I got her some Castrol Multigrade
In the eighties I spent all my money on an Escort. Which is why I couldn't afford a car
I'm very popular with my wind farm. They are some of my biggest fans
You can never find anywhere to use the toilet now. In the old days they had WC Fields
I tried to make a suit out of an old door but just couldn't get a handle on it
I've just designed a woman's dress made from wood. I got the idea from my skirting board
I got invited to a dumb fight club. The first rule was not needed. We never spoke about it again

12 January 13

I got flashed whilst turning round under a speed camera. It was a three point turn
Going to a fancy dress party dressed as a 9mm round of ammo. I'm hoping this will get me in a magazine
Have you ever considered it ironic that 3D films only became popular after we all bought flat screen TVs?

15 January 13

I'm shocked that some burgers were found with 29% horse meat. 29% meat. Unbelievable
Frankel has been voted the top ranked horse. By Burgerworld Monthly magazine

17 January 13

Chap opposite me looks like Rory Bremner. It's not him. But he's doing a good impersonation
48% of insect statistics are made up on the fly
So Daniel Day Lewis is playing A Lincoln. Such range. Saw him playing A Ford last month

19 January 13

The French eat horse meat. OK they get the trots a lot
Why the fuss about these burgers containing horse. Just list Horse as an ingredient, sell them half price, they'll gallop off the shelves?
So Lance Armstrong wants to compete again. He must be on drugs

23 January 13

I took a photo of my wife in London naked. She was fully dressed. I got banned from Tower Bridge
An Iberian lady on the train asked when we will arrive at the station. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

26 January 13

They say social media is fast moving but I have some contacts that go as far back as 2012
Apple must be furious it has lost it's crown of the worlds most valuable publicly traded company to Exxon. A Mobil company
I've got a new German barber. If you want to look him up his name is Herr Removal
I downloaded an App that showed insect dissections. Version 0.1 released a load of bug fixes. Frankly it ruined the App

27 January 13

[On the new Mr Selfridge TV series] So far in this series he's not sold one fridge

6 February 13

Watching England v Brazil. It's a bit hairy down the middle but bold down each side
Heard that Bill Gates doesn't believe his children should have a mobile phone until they're 13. Is the Windows phone that difficult to use?

9 February 13

"Zut Alors, I thought you said meat was to be a mane ingredient"

11 February 13

Pope resigns following news that DNA testing shows his Popemobile to be 5% hearse
Been watching the Catholic Bishops' Broadcasting Channel. You may know it as CBBC
Following the horse meat saga I think Tesco should DNA check their Tiger Bread

13 February 13

The BBC weather presenter just issued a yellow snow warning. They are not thinking this colour coding system through properly, are they?
Seat belt pretensioners. Like getting a little cuddle each time you get in the car

15 February 13

Horse meat found in school dinners. Foal play is suspected

7 March 13

She said "What's your favourite dog?"
I said "Deputy Dawg"
She said "You're not taking this seriously, are you?"
#crufts

21 March 13

Have you seen the new photo-creation of the Big Bang? I think they are missing a trick. Surely they should have released an audio clip

6 April 13

Found easy way to deal with multiple photo flaws. Taught misses how to re-touch spots. Her OCD means they all get done automatically. Genius

14 April 13

I remember playing Game Of Thrones with The Queen once. You may have seen she won
If I needed to mail Dynamite I'd use TNT
If Rain Man was so smart, why didn't he go to a desert?

15 April 13

Southampton Vodafone tower switched off for Peregrine Falcon. Customers encouraged to use other suppliers who provide no signal at less cost

21 April 13

Knocked on the door and asked "Is this the Debating Society?" He said "What do you think?"
Decided to train for next year's London Marathon. Anybody suggest somewhere I can get tips on watching others run on a TV for several hours?

22 April 13

They say to become rich you have to act rich. Which is why I've decided to pay no tax this year

23 April 13

There's not enough dragon killing these days - I'm just slaying

27 April 13

I tried one of those food banks. Invested a Brussels Sprout in 1977. Now looking like a cabbage
I see many people apparently feeding themselves on a pound a day. A pound of lard, that is

30 April 13

Anglers. Always after something or other

11 May 13

Planning a day out today. Going to the Capital. Haven't decided which letter yet

11 May 13

Catching a bit of #BBCF1 coverage of the qualifying laps. Listening to the droning going round and round. But enough of the commentators
All I did was sneeze a couple of times and the misses suggested if I was in Hogwarts I'd be in Coffansplut house. Her, Wydendor

16 May 13

I never sleep naked. I always put the alarm on

18 May 13

Got on the train. Managed to get a window seat. The driver keeps complaining
Some people get an anaphylactic shock when stung by bees. Knew a girl once who sat on her rabbit and got a similar shock. Buzz, buzz

20 May 13

You can now order Coca-Cola bottles with your own name printed on the bottle. I'm wondering, will they accept Pepsi?

1 June 13

Two questions. 1. Why does the Twitter App not let you modify lists on the fly? and 2. Who makes lists about flies?
1810, when the first curry house in London opened. The first fish & chip shop 1860. Who wants a curry between six and seven anyway?

3 June 13

Religious rodents. Do they celebrate Christmouse?
I'm so far ahead if the curve. Well, that's under steer for you
If I had to go to court I'd insist the judge refers to me by my new name - Vince YouAreFreeToGo
I agree with same sex marriage. In fact I would encourage more married couples to have sex at the same time as each other

5 June 13

£100 fine for middle lane hogging. I've seen about three thousand pounds worth today already

14 June 13

The government considering trialling increased 80mph speed limit on motorways. Will confuse those that think it's already 90

15 June 13

For the statisticians amongst you the Trooping of the Colour today will be 63% pomp and 27% circumstance

28 June 13

Whoooo, whoooaa, whooo, whoooa (Apologies, this text was created by a ghost writer)

29 June 13

Silverstone expecting 300,000 F1 fans this weekend. That's 100,000 travelling today and 200,000 still waiting to get out from last year

30 June 13

Nowadays I don't worry about computer back up. If the thing crashes I'll contact Prism for my back up files

13 July 13

Filing my accounts. Why do we need to legally have to keep 7 years of records. Is this because Prism only goes back 6 months?
When my accountant first suggested I keep 7 years of records I thought he meant back to 'Now That's What I Call Music '78'

14 July 13

I just got accused of being on hallucinatory drugs. That's the last time I speak to that nine foot purple rhinoceros
The promise of 3D printing is to recreate broken parts easily. Scan and print. Isn't this the ability to have two identical broken parts?
Think I've got a new temperature app on my iPhone. Basically if it's too hot it shows up a blob of sweat dropped from my forehead

15 July 13

I agree with benefit cheats. That way when they are wearing them you can easily see who is being funded

16 July 13

So who win The War Of The Roses? My money's on the strawberry creme
All this sun must be bad for cloud computing

21 July 13

Discussing dog mongrels. Apparently a cross between a Cocker Spaniel and a poodle is a Cockerpoo. Thankfully no poodle has bred with a Shitzu
Tiger Woods. A great golfing name. Though perhaps not quite as good as Betty Driver

22 July 13

If you have a long shoulder bag ensure your skirt doesn't ride up exposing your bum. It's unladylike. And adds half a mile to my journey

26 July 13

Archbishop of Canterbury vows to put Wonga out of business. Will the payday loan firm return favour? FIGHT
My money's on Wonga taking the win. Well I did get it from them in the first place. Hope they win soon. Can't afford the interest otherwise
Wonga may retaliate by getting into religion business. Persuading folk of fictitious omnipresence should be easy compared to 4000% interest
If you believe Earth was created in 7 days it's not such a jump to believe you could afford £100 in 7 days when you can't afford £50 today
If Wonga win fight with Arch Bish they get all churches? "We are gathered here today to honour The Father, The Son and The outstanding debt

27 July 13

The only time it is appropriate to use an electric dog collar is if you own K-9

31 July 13

The cheapness of pub menus is the inverse-square of the stickiness of the tables

1 August 13

The Sun has decided to charge for its online service. This could be a big boob
The trouble with the English Defence League is that there are never any goals scored in the season

2 August 13

I once asked for directions from a pointillist. He was spot on
Someone asked if I had thought of a Fantasy Football team. Women in miniskirts came to mind

8 August 13

Just saw a woman on the bus with a big ass.
In all honesty I'm not sure Donkeys are allowed on public transport

20 August 13

What would be the most digital animal? My guess would be the Zebra as it features an inbuilt barcode
A crocodile perhaps? That could deliver mega-bites
Did you hear about the tragic accident in the cake topping factory? Apparently it affected hundreds and thousands

21 August 13

There was a power cut last night. So annoying when that happens while you are asleep and not awake to get annoyed by it
Of course, you know what causes power cuts. Battery operated scissors
We had a greyhound called Scissors. He never got enough exercise as we were not allowed to run with him
Today I ran the length of a Marathon. Tomorrow I'll do a Kit-Kat

22 August 13

The App I downloaded which showed how to dissect insects just hasn't been the same since the update containing bug fixes
The exotic menu included lion meat. I had it roar

23 August 13

Used to be a member of a digital band. We did over a thousand gigs. Or a megabyte as it's better known

24 August 13

Wondering if Lenny Henry is suffering the most from the bedroom tax?
Might go fossil hunting. Might not. It's not cast in stone

31 August 13

Down at the Bournemouth Air Festival and it's true what they say. There is a lot of air here
Been up with the Red Arrows. My fault for taking a nap on the wing of that Hawk

3 September 13

Damn! Missed the transfer window. Was gonna let the wife go
The lads at the petrol station invited me to see them gig tonight but I politely excused myself as I don't like garage band music

4 September 13

Saw a bald man at the Fringe Festival. That's just not right

7 September 13

My computer serves intergalactic drinks. That, I presume, is what the space bar does

8 September 13

It's always important to have the right gear when going out cycling. Today I mainly chose 5th
Settling in to watch the Monza F1 GP. Planning a one stop strategy. If it's a long race may need to use the loo twice
I opened the best ever wax museum and boasted you couldn't hold a candle to it. Big mistake

12 September 13

Just got 2 : 1 on Ray Winstone's head featuring at half-time during the next England match

13 September 13

Voyager is not the first man-made thing to leave the universe. My wife's figure left several years ago

14 September 13

The upside of the power cut is the energy bills saving for everyone. One hour off and you may be able to afford a small car instead
Tried to use a disabled toilet. You know the type, had rails in it. Couldn't go. Kept thinking an Intercity 125 would pass by any minute

16 September 13

Recently had a haircut. Clippers were involved. I thought, any shorter than this and I am going to have a propensity to thump people
In fairness, anyone who uses the word propensity is unlikely to be thumping anytime soon
They say that to become an expert at something you need to do this for at least 10,000 hours. I am therefore an expert at watching TV

20 September 13

One newspaper claiming that banks are going to ban internet porn sites. Does that include Sperm Banks?

30 September 13

The internet is running slow at the moment. Need to free up some space. May try typing 'delete * cat'
They have discovered a new species of digital dinosaur. Apparently it had a mega bite

10 October 13

Twelve men have walked on the #moon Not one woman. Which goes some way to explain why it's so dusty

14 October 13

I had a scratch on my smartphone
Tomorrow I may pick fluff from my belly button on my tablet

20 October 13

I've worked out how to deal with crack dealers - Polycell
I once owned a nail. It went under the hammer. It was a pressure moment. Eighty pounds
My mate started collecting Velcro. He got hooked on it

21 October 13

If you want to see great pictures of large cats just follow the Lynx

24 October 13

Tip of the day: Avoid illegal sword swallowing as you could get nicked

28 October 13

I wanted to know more about the theory of relativity so someone suggested I ask my father
I asked for more ventilation at work and the boss gave me a right grilling
I'm concerned about politics in this country so sent a strongly worded letter to the cabinet. If I get no reply I'm emailing the sofa
I've invented a much safer electrical lead system. All I need now is someone to plug it
I used to have a jacket covered in tiny mirrors. Didn't like it much at the time but on reflection it looked OK

29 October 13

I used to transport vicars to church. Lovely vehicle, leather seats, aircon, electric windows. Strangely, no rev counter
DDD...DDD...DDD...DDD
Sorry about that. Just playing with my new 3D printer
The Electric Light Orchestra hasn't been the same since the introduction of these low voltage lamps

4 November 13

I was the first to incorporate tech into furniture. I built my Walkman into a seat back in the 70's and sat listening to Sony and Chair

5 November 13

Just ate a Subway. The trains were a bit crunchy

9 November 13

I once built a house in the middle of a busy intersection. Can't remember the location but it was round about somewhere
The weather forecast today for the Monarchy is reigning
Since losing three pages from my dictionary I've been going from pillar to post
My first girlfriend really lit up my life. But it became tiring dating an arsonist after a while
I said to the car salesman I needed four seats and thirty acres of space in the back. He suggested I get an estate
I said to the car salesman I didn't need a powerful car. He said I have one with one horsepower, a Mustang. We agreed on a price. A pony
I wanted to be a model. My agent suggested I practice walking down the runway. Which closed Gatwick for a while
I turned down the job moving boxes as I didn't want shift work
I got bounced out of music school when I formed a rubber band

11 November 13

I've got my photo in Vogue. Well, you have to keep the Polaroid somewhere
What with the popularity of home baking I'm surprised you can't buy biskits
Met an old woman. She claimed she was a medium. But I'd only give her 3 out of 10

12 November 13

Dept of Transport to spend £1.9bn improving Britain's roads. Could do the same for less than £1.90. Just ban Volvos

13 November 13

My favourite BDSM site is HTTP semi-colon, backslash, backslash, backslash, backslash, backslash, backslash

18 November 13

I refuse to subliminally advertise new gaming devices
PS Not even for money
PS Never done in the past
PS I think integrity's important
PS4

19 November 13

Used to write to a friend. We played correspondence football. Often just missed the goal post

20 November 13

There are many stand up comedians operating in London now. Which is an indictment on the NHS
My great-grandfather invented the wrap. Rather, he drove over his sandwiches in his steam roller
I used to hate my mirror but it was good on reflection
When I was young we used to play with felt animals. Now the RSPCA puts a stop to all that nonsense

21 November 13

I'd take more Selfies if I didn't look quite as much like me

23 November 13

Someone asked me the difference between a Kite and a Buzzard. I said buzzards have brown plumage & yellow beak, whereas kites have a string

24 November 13

Switching the TV back to channel 1 before switching off is equivalent to clearing internet search history. No, I wasn't watching Babestation

25 November 13

Is the Leaning Tower of Pisa a listed building?
I reckon I'm just 180 degrees from a Turner Prize

26 November 13

Olay, there are actually eight signs of ageing. You missed being stuck in traffic
When younger I believed if only you could overtake all the traffic you would eventually get to the front. And that a Morris Minor was there

5 December 13

Govt freezes petrol tax rises. In Scotland petrol will be completely frozen. Along with diesel and any other liquids

6 December 13

Toilet roll's run out. Quite a surprise. I didn't even know it could walk

7 December 13

Does anyone know where to go to join the Salvation Air Force?
And the results are in.
PS4 : X-box One.
Actual exercise expended by the participants getting this score - nil

8 December 13

Octopuses - why call them tentacles when you only have eight. Explain yourselves

15 December 13

Where do you go to my lovely,
When you're alone in your bed?
I'd like to know what thoughts surround you.
I think I'll ask the NSA instead
You've got to search for the hero inside yourself,
Search for the secrets you hide.
Search using Google on 3G,
Or search using Bing on WiFi
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, Sage, Rosemary & Thyme.
Remember me as you use Foursquare
For once she was a true lover of Vine
Skiers - How tall do you have to be to compete in the Giant Slalom?

17 December 13

I'm not buying a 4K TV. They'll only supersede it with a 5L version next year

18 December 13

I've decided to get blanket insurance. You can't be too careful with winter coming up
The worst thing about getting old is your bladder starts to get insomnia
I'm planning in a traditional Victorian Christmas. I've ordered some smog, plague and typhoid

19 December 13

Saw an obese five piece musical ensemble last night. I think you can download their stuff on broadband #1PUN
There's a gap in the curtains. Damn retail outlets everywhere these days
30 years married and we still hold hands in public...In private it's each other's throats

20 December 13

I used to work with a load of Gingerbread men but most have broken up for Christmas
Things are winding down for Christmas. Particularly clocks

21 December 13

Our coal man wasn't good at golf. He was always in the bunker
Bought my misses a Kindle. When she paused reading she folded the top corner over
I'd fire up my PC but it's far too cold to open windows at this time of year
She asked me to thread the needle so she can fix the jumper. I said "So..."
Apparently a joint had come apart. Seams alright now
My misses is pretty good with the needle & thread. Can fix anything. Going to suggest she does the economy and the Middle East conflict

23 December 13

My half-life is about now
My Second Life hasn't yet bothered getting in touch with me yet so I have no idea how I'm doing in that game
And I've always wondered where my reflection goes when I've passed by the mirror
I looked in the mirror today but couldn't see myself. I wasn't in the sun either
101 Dalmations plus Ali Baba with only 38 of his thieves and you've reached the Twitter limit
Someone asked me if I wanted HD on my TV. I told them I'll stick with BBC for now
Someone asked if my bathroom suite was all white. I said it was OK

25 December 13

Waiting for the dinner to go down. The dumb waiter has jammed again
Had a snowball fight once. I beat it easily

Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.269 8 Jul 2019
Tweets First Published: Twitter during 2013