Twitter 2009 - Primary Tweets - An Explanation

Twitter, the online micro blogging service, was launched in July 2006 and I joined at the beginning of 2009. It was only just starting to grow and my membership number suggests just under 19m others got there before me. If you think that makes me a late starter consider that if you joined today you would be getting involved with something that [by Oct 2017] over 330 million have tried.

I recall that at the time the service felt fresh and new, lacking the cynicism and fame seeking of today's model. When I signed up I did not personally know anyone who used the site and on many occasions I was asked what it was about and why they should bother.

In those early days it seemed users were treated based on their own content and not their ability to retweet the content from others or by just simply being a celebrity in other fields. You had to work to get a following. Just being a 'someone' and posting a picture of your breakfast or requoting a glib phrase in a fancy font wouldn't garner appreciation.

As a result I taught myself how to entertain and grow a following. You will also note that I tried out different and novel ways to use the platform, although the increased growth in people using the platform and the ever growing number of celebrities opening accounts in the year meant that the original user base was quickly being sidelined and I found difficulty getting my own voice heard.

I felt proud of the contribution I made and wrote a story of my 2009 content postings, as below. I built the narrative to explain to non-service users why I had posted certain contemporaneous comments. Although fairly comprehensive it is not a complete reposting of every Tweet that year. You will need to visit my @vinceunlimited Twitter Feed to get absolutely everything.

Finally, for those without the time on their hands to read the whole story I have also created a 'Best of 2009 Tweets'


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.161 27 Jun 2018




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Best Tweets of 2009 - Primary Tweets: My Twitter Story of 2009



Twitter 2009 - Ten Best Tweets

For those of you that just like the best of the best I have curated this list of my top ten best Tweets of 2009. Based on my personal choice, not based on views, likes, comments or retweets. They are in no significant order other than date of posting.

Generally I'm a fan of predictive text. However, sometimes my worms come out all fanny and change the moaning completely
Damn. Just broke my Crystal Ball. It fell off the table. I didn't see that coming
I said "Whats that?" She said "Its an age spot." I said "Just the one?" It's suddenly more frosty this morning
The instructions read 'Store in a cool place'. Which explains why I was trying to get into Samuel Jackson's movie trailor
Decided to form a band. Our unique theme will be that we'll perform in cake shops. I guarantee that in five years we'll be huge
My brother told me he is using chip fat to power his old diesel car. Reckons he gets 73 miles per potato
Male Polar Bear asks his girlfriend to wear heavy make up just for a change. She replies 'I'm not pandering to you.'
They asked whether the apartment I rent out came with Sky. I said yes. Big blue thing just above the roof
...Sado-masochists Beat Themselves Into Second Place In Online Poll
I tried to get though the Tile Discount Store door but they had reduced it by 50%

Have I picked the ten best? If you want to know the full story of my Tweets in 2009 just select the options below.


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Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.161 27 Jun 2018
First Published: Twitter during 2009
Curated: Version 5.161 27 Jun 2018



Primary Tweets: My Twitter Story of 2009

On 14 January 2009 I signed up for a Twitter account. I wanted to see how this new Social Media system worked. Plus, as with all new SM concepts that I discover my first action is to protect my vinceunlimited brand, which is why I often have more SM sites than actual friends on them. And so began a journey in 140 character bursts.

At the time Twitter, in the UK at least, was seen as something done by geeks. I knew of the service from the many Tech podcasts that I subscribed to through iTunes. I did not know of anyone personally who used it or had tried it. I was a trail-blazing geek amongst my peers. In truth, the 18,997,357th of them.

Given the nature of the service most entries posted are transient items of the moment, seen only by the limited numbers of people who are actually following at the time. The Twitter following model allows people to selectively read the musings of chosen others. This is important as there would be no way to track the ramblings of all the millions of users. It is also not necessarily common for new followers to read the history of previous entries. I certainly haven’t got the time to do this for those that I follow.

However, I believe that many of my posts are worth recording for prosperity. I know that this bold statement could be read negatively, that I am so vain anything I write must be as wonderful as fluffy chicks. However, I think there is genuine real interest in these postings, if nothing else possibly as a record of SM at the time. I certainly believe this or I wouldn’t take the effort to copy it all out. Plus, the entries I have selected suit the standard of the rest of the site, some being mini ideas or opinions or amusing jokes and puns.

This is my Twitter story of 2009.

Of course, the full course of entries both past and live can be followed at www.twitter.com/vinceunlimited

My first ever Tweet - Posted 14 January 09 at 09:47 was...

I've given in to the pressure of all my technopeers and have finally created a Twitter account then posted my very first 140 character Tweet

You may like to note that I spent quite some time crafting this mini-masterpiece and it used all 140 available characters.

I received my first follower two days later on 16 January 09. I had no idea who it was or how I could find out. This is relatively easy on the twitter.com website but I was using a Twitter API driven client on my iPhone (Twitterfon, later renamed Echofon) and at that time did not know enough about how to interrogate all it’s details. I was on a steep self learning curve.

The unofficial UK King of Twitterers is Stephen Fry. I, like 46 odd thousand others at the time, chose to follow his musings at @StephenFry. At this point it might be worth mentioning that @StephenFry, @Fry, @TheRealStephenFry or any other likely looking combo may not actually be the Stephen Fry that you were thinking of. In particular celebrities are parodied, often quite convincingly. However in this case it was the man himself. This was confirmed in reports at the time when he famously Tweeted from a stuck lift, which made mainstream news reports.

Now Mr Fry boasted that he followed all his followers back. Meaning if you followed him he would follow you, although despite his fine intellect there is no way he could actually read all the nonsense of all his followers post. But a follower is a follower whether thy follow or not. If you follow me.

However I must be as special as Mr Fry himself because on 18 January 09 I posted a Tweet complaining that he boasted of following all his followers but not me. Was I one of the first he didn’t follow? The truth was his burgeoning popularity rendered him incapable of keeping up and this was compounded because on 23 January 09 he discussed the service at length on Jonathan Ross’ UK Saturday night show which is when the media really became fervently interested and could be seen as the point Twitter actually became mainstream in the UK. His followers would increase significantly from that point.

However, I was already ‘in the know’ perhaps at the point where I am neither Geek nor sheep but being a local trail-blazing geek I decided to impart my considerable knowledge and posted a few Tweets raising some of my initial concerns about Tweeting, including on 14 January 09...

Wondering how this tweeting works. Worried I could give too much information. Say I report I'm on holiday some lowlife may burgle my house

As a result of such concerns unlike many I never Tweet what I am actually doing or where I am, concentrating on entertaining and witty repartee and general punnery, often about current affairs. I see Twitter as an excellent device to write immediate amusing takes on breaking news. As I foresee this as part of a future recompensed activity I enjoy honing my skills in this way. For instance on hearing the news Microsoft were making many redundancies which was in contrast to Apple, and with a nod to the illness sabbatical that Steve Jobs was taking from his role as Commander-In-Chief at Apple, on 22 January 09 I posted...

Microsoft shredding 5000 jobs. Apple losing just one Jobs.

An interesting early milestone occurred on 26 January 09 when US President Barack Obama became one of my first followers after I followed him. Although I doubt that I have much influence on White House Affairs any more than the millions of others. This did please me though because I only had a handful of followers at the time and this was a notable and historic figure.

I did wonder whether to be more careful about what I posted but soon decided to throw caution to the wind and Tweet ‘normally’. So, on 27 January 09 I invented the idea of a Twitter Joke, which should only make sense to a fellow Twitterer, such as Mr Obama. My first was posted at 2:02 am proving that I really should have been getting some sleep...

Twitterjoke - One hundred and forty one characters walked into a bar. This provoked the obvious comment "You will never see the end if it."

This was shortly followed by my Twitter Joke rules...

Twitterjokes - Decided these must have rules: 1 - Be understandable only to fellow Twitterers. 2 - Be exactly 140 characters. 3 - Be funny.

And then I posted some actual examples, including references to popular celebrity users at the time...

Twitterjoke- (obeying rules) Did you read the one about the unfortunate dsylexic Twitterer? He only went and sent all his followers a Twat!
Twitterjoke - Stephen Fry to Jonathon Ross - Why don't you respond to my Tweets? Wossie - Twitter doesn't seem to accept my @ weply postings

Incidentally, my influence was still just embryonic on 28 January 09 as I had just 5 followers. But it did include my new friend Barack. Despite the limited start I was really starting to get into the whole Twitter thing and as a result two days later had my first Twitter neurosis...

Haven't posted for a while. Worried that I may write something unprofound. Why can't I just tell you I'm on the sofa now listening to music?

Being a purist I was also mostly trying to compose exactly 140 character Tweets and thus using my maximum allowance each time. This was encouraged by some users who tracked such things and awarded scoring based on a persons ability to achieve the perfect entry. So on 30 January 09 I posted...

That's it I've decided. No more taking ages to compose exactly 140 character Tweets. This technology is designed to free the thinking. Doh

But one of my last posts of January 09 was typically vinceunlimited...

Always wondered. Good things are described as the dog's bollocks, bad things as the dog's arse. If on the fence is this the dog's perineum?

My Tweeting showed no sign of abating in the second month and in February 09 one of my first posts was a prediction about how followed celebrities may change their outlook when they get fed up with the attention...

Twitter being championed by switched on celebrities. Now they relish the limited attention. Watch the change when it becomes more mainstream

On 2 February 09 I reported a huge rise in my follower numbers, by percentage, which is an easy thing to achieve from a limited baseline. This seemed to make up for the stressful day I was having...

Car in for radio repairs, snow prevented short cut, loan car broke down, I fell over, late for work. Bad day? No. Followers increased by 30%

Not only snow but the world was heading into recession meltdown caused by bank failures. I warned...

In common labour markets like the EU, during a recession all workers will flock to last State standing. And subsequently collapse it

On 3 February 09 I made a comment on serious issues...

Twitter a non exclusive platform ignoring race, religion and gender. Relationships built on words alone. So how many Iranians do you follow?

And not so serious issues...

Concern raised recently about the number wind noise generation Applications for iPhone. Apple don't let the App Store become the sum of it farts

Then I observed my gratitude that most of the users who I followed were able to be followed...

I'm pleased to see that most Tweets are in plain English, rather than in 14 years old text. Maybe 140 characters isn't such a limit after al

Note the loss of the last character. I have recreated each Tweet as they appeared without any editing, mistakes and mis-spellings included. In this case though it was carefully edited to make a point in a subtly amusing way - count the characters.

However the probable reason for plain written text rather than quick entry text on Twitter is the abundance of devices with predictive text. On 4 February 09 I parodied this function...

Generally I'm a fan of predictive text. However, sometimes my worms come out all fanny and change the moaning completely

I then went on to parody Twitter users...

With Twitter you could be publishing the most profound thought ever but everyone else is busy reading how Stephen Fry is going for a walk

About this time my writing mind started to wonder how Twitter may be used in the future, in particular for writers. I wondered whether the medium could be used in as yet untried ways...

I wonder when the first Twitter soap drama will emerge? I'm not sure of the plot but there will be a maximum limit of 140 characters in it

And then another news story emerged, this one about the launch of a new $10 laptop to serve the needs of the Indian continent, which I commented on in my own individual style...

All this reporting of a $10 laptop from India. Why is this news? eBay has dozens of them

Before commenting on my follower numbers...

The exponential S curve of followers is beginning to develop. Although to be fair it's only at the e of the ess at the moment

And adding a joke...

Sat here with drink wondering if I could Tweet on a full bladder. Then it dawned on me. I should just Tweet on my iPhone as per normal

I was really posting a lot now, despite the snowy weather...

Made it back. Main roads were clear blacktop edged by crisp white scenery. Not a place to mislay a line of cocaine

And getting lost...

Just thought. Twittering. Is that in Suffolk?

All this whilst retaining commentary on latest news stories. This time one of my favourite subjects - Motoring...

@guardiantech [in response to article about new electric car called a Mission] will the ad slogan be 'A Mission without emissions?'

By 6 February 09 I thought of another Twitter Joke...

Twitterjoke: What's the difference between Twitter and the mail service? Answer: With Twitter you can only send one hundred and forty letters

I then commented on my definition of HiFi...

A good music system is one that makes you want to play your music over and over again. A great system is one where just one play is sufficient

And added another motoring based Tweet...

No self respecting petrolhead should fear the rise of electric vehicles. It's just a propulsion system. Fear instead the rise of no vehicles

And made a comment about hirsute men...

Concerned that this winter's prolonged cold weather may cause outbreak of beard growing. And to think it was nearly eradicated. Like measles

7 February 09 saw me wondering how historic figures would deal with the 21st Century...

If Aristotle were alive today he may not necessarily have used Twitter but if he did he would be worth following. Who is today's Aristotle?

And commented on some of new technology myself...

Electric hand driers in Public Toilets. They are just liars. Someone from Trading Standards should be having a word

By 8 February 09 I was starting to see how certain things worked and in particular the retweet. This is where a reader likes the observed message so much they feel the overwhelming need to re-send it to all their own followers. This ensures that the best comments get recycled to a wider audience. As an originator of content this was an excellent way of getting my work to a bigger crowd and as the retweet, or in Twitter parlance RT, system usually includes the originator’s reference more followers would surely come my way.

However the RT system is generally a passive one, relying on the kind nature of one’s followers. So I hatched a plan to send a viral Tweet...

Decided to start a Re-tweet test to see what happens. Re-tweet this after adding one to the following number and updating it - 1

It didn’t go anywhere. Probably because of my limited following more than the idea. However, undeterred I tried a new idea. This was influenced by a comment made by Cali Lewis in her GeekBrief podcast. At the time she was asking for feedback on pre-roll advertising on her podcast. My Twitter take was...

Buy beans. Just thought I'd test out what a Twitter service would be like if it had some pre-roll advertising. Or post roll. Buy more beans

By 9 February 09 I was starting to amass a few followers and started actual communication. This is done by preceding the post with the users name, mine being @vinceunlimited. One of my followers was @RealJamesMay. As stated above I could not guarantee that the person posting is the James May you are thinking of. However @RealJamesMay, whoever he is, is worth following for his James May like observations. And surely that is more important than actually following James May.

I replied to one of his postings about bankers and the news that some banks were going into melt-down...

@RealJamesMay Jacket potatoes, like bankers, can be half-baked at times. Either way we all get mashed

I then mused on how one would recognise a fellow Twitterer. This probably indicates how rare I believed it was to know them at the time...

How can you tell when you meet a fellow Twitterer in real space? We should have a code word to slip in on these occasions? Suggest Twist

Then I made a further observation on the process...

I often word my Tweets to spark response but most slip by without comment. Perhaps I should write something more controversial. Somethin...

And reported my take on a tech news story...

Guardiantech reporting that Apple's new Snow Leopard software includes geopositioning for your computer. That's nice but mine never moves

And on the public apology made by RBS’s Fred Goodwin and his accomplice apocalyptic horsemen...

So what's the collective noun for a group of four apologetic bankers. An insincere?

On 11 February I continued with more thoughts on a news story...

Plans have been released to construct a 50m white horse statue in Southern England. If they use cowboy builders they'll end up with a pony

Then went back to thinking up Twitter ideas. This time attempting to boost my follower numbers to over 100...

Decided that inducements are the way to go. So I'll offer a prize to someone when my followers reach 100. But not necessarily the 100th one
Now that should whet your appetites. Incidentally the small print: 1. The prize will be defined by me. 2. Don't expect miracles. 3. See #2

On 13 February 09 I mused about winning the National Lottery...

Now would be a good time to win Lottery. Any time would be good. If you hear me stating that now would be a bad time I'm banging my secretary

Then on 15 February 09 another news story about the Stock Market attracted my attention...

If all the leading news stories are about the fall in price of stock shouldn't we all be planning more meals with gravy?

The next day I again replied to a follower after he advised news about the Nokia company planning an applications store on the lines of Apple’s App Store for Nokia phone users...

@jamesdickey Nokia being unimaginative over App Store name. Why didn't they use NokinShoppe?

On 18 February 09 I got into a conversation with someone about the banality of following anybody just to make up the numbers. In particular I had concerns about those who used the service as a commercial promotional tool and whether they should be infiltrating the camaraderie...

@gladiatoradvent Thanks for your kind comments. Trouble is I have this inbuilt desire to read something said, not something sold

Now, for some unknown reason the most followed person on Twitter is @aplusk, and being the most followed does help in getting the most more followers as the Twitter model is a self perpetuating system. @aplusk is the Twitter handle of Ashton Kutcher, an otherwise jobbing actor whose fame stock leapt exponentially when Demi Moore hooked up with him. I’m not one to follow celebrity but I do have a soft spot for Ms Moore so started following her own posts. I found that she, like new toy-boy Aston, tended to witter about the mundane. Albeit Hollywood based mundane. On 19 February 09, presumably tired, she mentioned that her bed was calling. I couldn’t resist the following comment...

@mrskutcher Your bed is calling. Wow. Gonna work harder to become great actor then I'll be rewarded with voice operated furniture

I never received a response but undeterred the tongue in cheek mood was continued in a Tweet to another follower the next day when this user commented on her domestic arrangement...

@sallyormond First teenager in the house? Take no chances. Amas weaponry. Bolt the door now!

On 23 February 09 I explored the limitations of the 140 character posting...

Trying to think of imaginative way of getting more than 140 characters into a Tweet. Wondered if you all might help me. All line up and push

Then added an amusing follow up...

Whooatherestoppushingsohard.Ionlywantedtogetinoneortwoextracharactersandnowlookwhatshappened.It'sallgonengotsquashedupnconfusedthespellcheck

If you want to use the Twitter service regularly and avoid the easy use of banal updates the postings can tend toward the surreal. On 26 February 09 I apologised for some of my entries...

Contrary to what you might think from some of my postings I have never done drugs. If I wish to alter my mind I'll watch BBC4

I then set out a challenge...

Has anyone compressed the great speeches into a 149 character Tweet? Thinking Churchill, State of Union, Martin Luther King and Harpo Marx

But it wasn’t taken up successfully so I posted some complete nonsense instead, wondering if anyone would question what it actually meant...

Quiska jengur be lay deDado sir mist flunge-bucket del yet mainsore. Wassin goble dre nuptar envirost plee. Dasut imagise gorla focal stribo

No-one questioned the posting but the next day saw me provide another reply. This time to someone who mentioned the phrase ‘Dancing Queen won’t blow a hip image’ picking up on appropriate lyrics...

@pinkelephantpun Dancing Queen won't blow a hip image. But I imagine it might blow a hip if danced to. Feel the beat on your trembling knees

I then pitched an idea to my fellow readers...

How about a little game for our amusement. For 24 hours nobody Tweet to Stephen Fry. He'll go into apoplexy trying to sort out. Could be fun

Again, this idea never went viral so Mr Fry received his usual plethora of banal messages. So, I resorted to a theme made earlier in another reply...

@SirLP Facelifted friend now works in chip shop? Please tell me he swears he's Elvis. Ain't nothing but a hotdog, just batter all the time

And made comment on a colleague’s report of her slow machine...

@sallyormond Speed up a slow laptop? You could try tying it to your car's rear bumper. That's bound to increase the megahurts

Adding another amusing comment about a Twitterer’s report on electric vehicles...

@Car_addict Electric car firm bringing 250 jobs? Wow these guys are charging ahead. And no doubt grateful for the plug

My final Tweet in February 09 was on the 28 where I was again responding to the postings of others...

@KatrinaJames Three miles to run? Try logging into Secondlife and doing them there. Much easier on the knees. Login jogging is the new black

By now, but not just because of the last post I stress, I had fifty followers.

I introduced the concept of a Twitter-novel at the beginning of March 09. A separate section has been added in my writing page. However my normal Tweets continued unabated and my natural scepticism of green arguments came to the fore on 2 March 09...

Green Driving Tip - If you are in a small efficient car let the huge car out as it is better for the environment if you wait and he goes

On 3 March 09, in response to a comment on my Twitter-novel concept I conducted a brief exchange...

@mangolassy Twitternovels are the present. In the future you'll download content through your belly button via UBS. Universal belly socket

But on 10 March 09 I was back to setting my own agenda, with a comment on my wife’s cold breath...

Have never understood why she breathes out air colder than it went in? Reptilian feature? Ah well, just another of those mysteries of wife

By 11 March 09 I recorded my first frustrations with the service. I had previously presumed the correct way to deal with Twitter was to to read all the entries of those I followed but time was becoming limited with the number I had reached so decided to change my approach, firstly by deleting those that were not following me, then systematically removing those who just post too often.

That didn’t stop me commenting on people’s conversations, such as...

@jamesdickey last book I read? Now We Are Six by A A Milne. Note to self. Must read more.

To which I got a (LOL!) reply, which pleased me immensely. This little abbreviation, which for the benefit of those over twelve years old means laugh out loud is the first level compliment an amusing Tweet can receive. The next level up is ROFL (rolling on floor laughing) then ROFLMAO (rolling on floor laughing my ass off).

The next entries, posted after a visit to my health club, didn’t deserve such prestigious responses...

Completed 30 lengths of the pool. Now feel able to confidently escape across quarter mile of open water if need be. Provided wall every 20m
Then sat in pointlessly hot and tiny wood clad room where my only protection from certain roasting was rudimentary sand based timer device

On 13 March 09 I commented on the most fundamental of things absolutely essential to Social Media networking - Words...

If someone were to use Twitter whilst drunk, might they be in danger of slurring their birds?

Then again three days later...

It's no good just being good with words. You've got to be good at getting them in the right order as well

On 19 March 09 another four notable Tweets popped up...

I was going to Tweet something profound but some people unfollow when they read profanity
Google earth, Google maps, Google street maps. What next? Google house maps? My misses won't let them film in here
Damn. Just broke my Crystal Ball. It fell off the table. I didn't see that coming
Misses told me she has to pick up a car at seven tomorrow morning. Now worried that she is even stronger than I thought

Then on 22 March 09 returned to my favourite subject...

As a petrolhead I feel it necessary to discourage any stupid van cars. From now anything that can be driven in a Stovepipe should be banned

And again the next day, this time about news that Tata Motors had launched a new car...

I see in the news that Tatty Motors of India has launched what they call the world's cheapest car, the Nano. I think Dinky got there first

I also responded to a post made by @Revmoon about the knighting of Patrick Stewart..

@Revmoon Liz to Knight Patrick Stewart sounds like the coolest chess move ever

The rising popularity of the service meant that many people were unable to get their chosen monikers. Annoying for most of us but potentially damaging for celebrities who rely on their name as a brand. Additionally due to the number of ‘false’ celebrities a common option seemed to use the title @TheRealForenameSurname. Personally I cannot see why this format cannot be cloned either but nonetheless it was becoming noticeable that this format did indicate the celebrity in question. I posted my comment as...

Not feeling important enough. Thinking of changing my moniker to @therealvinceunlimited to give self-important feeling of being cloned

I hit a personal milestone on 25 March 09 when I reached 100 followers and I decided to honour the promise I made earlier...

I've decided to reward my most longstanding follower with a personal message. He is @BarackObama, real name Barack Obama, from Washington
@BarackObama Thanks for continued support of my posts. As I reach my 100th follower you represent all that is honorable about Twitter. Vince

I like to think Mr Obama regards this honour high amongst his many others. Mind you if he read my Tweet on 26 March 09 parodying Americans he may not be so pleased...

I've noticed a tendancy for many to sign off with a :) rather than a :-) Most are Americans so I'm suspecting it's nose jobs

The financial crises was now in full flow and I thought it about time I made a joke about Quantitive Easing, the borrowing of millions, and decided to set it in a Twitter context the next day...

Thinking about doing some follower Quantitive Easing. Gonna borrow several million from Britney Spears with no hope of returning them

I also commented on some entertainment news...

In the news, Fern Britten is leaving her post on This Morning. I understand that Philip Schofield's new partner will be his own ego

Actually, I tend to avoid personal abuse humour. It is easy to say a particular chubby celebrity is fat, or another waif is skinny, or one with a long proboscis is sniffy. However, the suggestion that an over-endowed ego is a bad thing will not be seen as an insult to someone with such a characteristic so I ran with it. In any case my next news comment, the next day, was about another broken bank...

I hear the Dunfermline Building Society has broke. I'm not surprised. I was done firmling last year

On 29 March 09 I noticed a motoring related story and couldn’t resist a little joke...

In the news a wind powered car has broken a land speed record. I didn't get the make but presume it's a Mercedes Beans

I then commented on the Formula 1 stories...

Great to see the likeable Englishman back on the Button. Now watch the public fall out of love with the cocky upstart
Catching up is one thing. Hitting the electric boost button and flying by is another thing altogether

And reported on a (friendly) insult I gave to my wife...

I said "Whats that?" She said "Its an age spot." I said "Just the one?" It's suddenly more frosty this morning

Madonna hit the newsstands around 30 March 09, when she attempted to adopt an African child. I wrote...

Madonna seems to unfairly pick up a lot of criticism for simply trying to help children. "Like a Rwandan. Fed for the very first time"

Plus I added some comments about the latest breaking MP expenses stories...

The UK Home Secretary is in trouble for allowing her home secretary to claim his adult downloads, proving MP expenses are complete toss

And had a moan about another green issue, which links nicely into my Opinions - Water Debate article...

Environmental Agency is calling for universal water meters. I have a suggestion, put big ones on the reservoir outlets and charge as rates

And at the end of the day attempted to drum up a partner to play Twitter-tennis with me...

Hi friends. Back on line for a few moments so if anyone wants to play verbal tennis I have my catgut strung and ready for the first return

I had no responses that night but made one myself to a follower who provided a link to a news story about Google planning to manufacture a car...

@Lady_Twitster A Google car? It must be white, simple to use and have excellent Sat-Nav. Would have been used by everyone. So a hire car

Then on 17 April I heard reports about the pedestrianisation of Oxford Circus...

I see in the news that there are plans to pedestrianise parts of Oxford Circus. That'll upset the clowns

And that my favourite car brand Jaguar was to enter the electric car market...

I see that Jaguar is to offer an electric car. Being a Jaguar it will just purr along nicely and knock the spots off the competition

On 19 April 09 I commented on something I had noticed about the way Formula 1 drivers spoke when being interviewed...

I'm becoming more and more convinced that everyone in Formula 1, particularly the drivers, are all sponsored by a deodorant company, for sure

Then at the end of April 09 I mused about healthy eating...

If sugar is a plant why can't we count it as one of our five a day?

On 1 May 09 I was reading the instructions on some food and thought of the following...

The instructions read 'Store in a cool place'. Which explains why I was trying to get into Samuel Jackson's movie trailor
The engraved brass plaque now positioned on the deck of the Victory, stating Here Nelson Fell 21st Oct 1805
Apparently Nelson Fell here on 21 October 1805. Although the ship could have been anywhere at sea. The offending plaque

Three days later I was in Portsmouth, aboard the naval warship The Victory...

Visited Portsmouth Naval Dockyard and saw where Nelson got injured and died on the deck of The Victory. He probably tripped over the plaque

The big news at the beginning of the year was how many of us were going to die from Swine Flu. A big story like that couldn’t pass without my unique commentary and on 5 May 09 I duly honoured this...

I'm starting to wonder whether all this Swine Flu panic might be over the top. Then I remembered Pigs Mite Fly

And death featured again in a fictitious Tweet the next day...

My mate has one of those genetic tests to determine how he might die. It wasn't very accurate. He got run over by a bus

On 7 May 09 I wrote a joke about the increasingly ludicrous Health and Safety culture...

New Health and Safety legislation has been introduced to ensure computer users wear hard hats to protect from drop down menus

And on 11 May 09 I poked fun at IT departments...

What is it about IT people that just make you want to poke your finger straight into their iSocket?

It wan’t until 13 June 09 that I made my next Tweet worth recording and I was back to the subject of Swine Flu...

Fear not the Pig Pandemic. What about the Panda Pigdemic no one mentions?

And later in that month I commented on the aftermath of the death of Michael Jackson...

As the 'King of Pop' has now died, does Prince now become King? And should we now refer to Queen as Queen Mother?

The summer recession was starting to take a grip, particularly in worthwhile Tweets. I didn’t post one memorable message all June. In fact it was 6 August 09 before this was seen...

This summer the schools are teaching the three Rs. Recession, rain and redundancy

During the weekend before 10 August 09 I was recognised by an old school acquaintance, which was a little disquieting...

Recognised by an old school friend this weekend. Hadn't seen him since I was 11. Have I not changed? I didn't even have my head down the loo

By 14 August 09 I returned to my favourite subject. Me...

How fashionable are you? Me? I'd look great wearing a coat of paint

On 17 August 09 I commented on a tweeting statistic...

I heard 40% of Tweets are pointless. So from now I'll only provide 84 character ones

I was back to form on 19 August 09 as the following two posts came spilling out...

Seen an advert for a Penny Auction. I reckon if I come in late at 2p I'll secure the prize
Apparantly Invergarry castle has been digitally restored in SecondLife. This marks a worrying trend for Portsmouth's Tricorn centre

On 20 August 09 I set out a few Tweets about forming a band and getting it recognised and this concept got slightly picked up...

Decided to form a band. Our unique theme will be that we'll perform in cake shops. I guarantee that in five years we'll be huge

It wasn’t long before a fellow Twitterer added his twopeneth...

Great update to my Tweet. RT @BarryH2k: @vinceunlimited my band will only ever do elevators. We're bound to go to the top.

I continued the band theme the next day with six related postings...

What about forming a band with Polo factory workers? That way it will be easy to make a mint
What about calling the band Playlist? That way the band will be in everyones iTunes account
I've finally decided on the band's name. We'll be called dust. I guarantee you'll see dust on your TV before the end of the year
The band will release everything digitally in binary code. Half of the songs will be number ones
The band's first release will be called 'bold black headlines'. Tomorrow bold black headlines will be on the front page of every paper
The band's 'difficult' second release will be called tracks. I reckon thousands will download tracks next week
A sign above two lift doors with an arrow pointing to the left lift entrance.  The sign reads Use this lift for A levels
I have no idea what qualifications you would get by entering the lift on the right

On 31 August 09 I posted a Twitpic, found in Bristol...

Saw this sign in a Bristol car park. Could explain why so many students did so well this year

It wasn’t until a month later, on 28 September 09 that my next memorable Tweet came out

The UN are going to take concrete disarming steps. Dangerous stuff that concrete. Unsubtle link vinceunlimited.co.uk/concrete

On 8 October 09 I returned to the subject of vehicles and started a run of posts about electric and dual fuel vehicles...

Economy driving tip. Don't let any electric or hybrid vehicles out of side turnings. After all they are not using any fuel are they?
My last tweet generated a new follower, @MrHybridCar. I'd love a hybrid myself. I'm thinking mid-mounted petrol V8 with a V6 diesel up front
I have a hybrid petrol / electric car. My V8 petrol engine runs the wheels and the two huge 12v electric batteries run the sound system
My car is a dual fuel hybrid. It runs on either BP or Shell
More than 90% of the time my car actually produces zero emissions. Admittedly that's when it's parked

On 10 October 09 I commented on the much heralded Apple Tablet...

Apple are making far too much fuss about producing their much awaited tablet. It's no hassle producing tablets according to GlaxoSmithKline

Then threw a couple of other non-related posts out...

It's the middle of the night and I'm feeling hungry. I need some really fast food. Can you eat Cheetah?
I Tweet. Therefore I'm spam
I told her she was one in a million. Technically speaking that puts her in a group of 6,776. I wonder what the other 6,775 are like?

On 11 October 09 I heard that Playboy magazine were to feature a Simpsons’ character on their magazine’s front page. This prompted me to Tweet the following more suitable idea...

Playboy Magazine's latest front cover features Marge Simpson. First ever cartoon used. Should've used a real bunny girl - Jessica Rabbit

Then I heard that the UK government were planning to raise a bit of cash by auctioning off a major Kent motorway bridge...

I hear the government are thinking of selling off the Dartford Crossing. I do hope it goes to a British buyer. In Kent

On 13 October 09 I visited the Tate Modern museum and it seemed a little disappointing...

Tate Modern. One exhibit warned of explicit content. Organisers forgot to hang similar sign on main entrance warning of pretentious junk

And I heard that a famous Winter Olympian was retiring...

World renowned and respected Austrian skier Hermann Maier has announced his retirement. So it's all downhill from now

Two days later I heard that my brother used vegetable fat to power his car. My Tweet suggested the performance he might have made...

My brother told me he is using chip fat to power his old diesel car. Reckons he gets 73 miles per potato

A day later I got wind of the fact that the girls at the office where I was working were going to support a charity cause...

Teds Big Day Out. Got hold of the wrong end of the stick when the girls said they would bring in Teddies. Was expecting revealing nightwear

On 17 October 09 I tried to start another original trend...

Why is there no Mercedes D Class? #startthesearch
Why is there no Freeview channel 8?#startthesearch
Why is there no O1 phone company?#startthesearch
Why is there no book about the other 19,999 leagues under the sea? #startthesearch
Why is there no group called The A52's? #startthesearch

Again, it wasn’t taken up. Undeterred I carried on my bare-faced news commenting on 21 October 09...

Scientists are asking for £2 billion for GM crop development. I say give them just £2 million and suggest they genetically modify the amount

And wrote a bear faced joke on 23 October 09...

I think the Arctic ursine is a beautiful creature. Does this make me bi-polar?

The polar comments continued the next day...

Male Polar Bear asks his girlfriend to wear heavy make up just for a change. She replies 'I'm not pandering to you.'

Along with a more sporty pun...

I'm feeling lucky. I think I'll place a bet. Does anyone know the race card times in the Terence Trent D'arby?

On 27 October 09 I picked up a theme initially raised by another, but with a unique twist...

Sent Spandau Ballet's third album 'True' to Cash for Gold. They said it didn't contain gold but they are wrong. I said melt it down anyway

Then another word play...

They asked whether the apartment I rent out came with Sky. I said yes. Big blue thing just above the roof

I was on a roll and made a suggestion on why I might have been inspired at the time...

I want to be funnier so I have just swallowed three cans of laughter

But it wasn’t until 31 October 09 that my funny gene next made itself known. This time inspired by my wife’s confusion over an ironing board she was trying to use at a hotel...

She said "Oh no they've provided a left handed ironing board." I said "Stand around the other side"

On 2 November 09 I poked more fun at the expense of Toyota Prius drivers...

Economy driving tip #24a Slipstream a Total Prius in your four by four, whilst grinning and wildly gesticulating at your fuel gauge

The reason for my cynicism is the fact that some vociferous minorities hold the motor engine as the root of all evil and appear to be on a vendetta to drive cars off the road. However, knowing that this is a completely ludicrous idea at present they champion alternative fuel vehicles instead and the Toyota Prius represents all that is bad about the idea. To persuade natural cynics like me better options should be offered, like the inspirational Tesla, or the interesting Honda Clarity. The Prius is a pathetic looking blob of dullness that attempts to promote greenness in a car that apparently contains many non-recyclable, poisonous parts, takes huge resource to build and ship and can only attain the performance of a modern efficient diesel engine by using an ugly aerodynamic shape, skinny wheels with low rolling resistance tyres, dire performance and highly engineered (read highly likely unreliable) electronics. I have long championed that to truly solve the global issues of climate and resources there is only one simple solution and I parodied it on 4 November 09...

Morale of story is - Buy a big car, drive with impunity but make sure you run your kids over before they take interest in the opposite sex

The next day I returned to commenting on the latest news story, this time picking up a story about the closure of some Thresher wine shops...

Threshers are closing 373 shops. That'll stop them wining

On 8 November 09 I commented on one of my favourite current TV shows...

I've downloaded so much House I reckon I now own an entire village

Then on 11 November 09 found another news story headline that just cried out for my brand of interpretation...

A company has launched a computer designed for the over 60s. It only has one button, which when pressed says 'It's turned out nice again'

On 13 November 09 I ran a simple tag line...

Plagurists rule. I've heard it said

14 November 09 had me summarising why, as a writer, I liked Twitter so much...

My inner writer has decided the reason I like Twitter is the discipline of editing entries to exactly 140 characters whilst maintaining pith

The skill in that Tweet was making it exactly 140 characters, whilst maintaining pith of course. However it was more filth than pith that occupied me two days later...

November, from the Greek word meaning your car looks filthy

On 17 November 09 I returned to commenting on the news...

Prospective Conservative Candidate for Norfolk has now been accepted when the comittee realised her affair wasn't actually with her brother

November is the time when companies realise that all other companies have already booked their staff Christmas meals and charge desperately to the phone to get their table booked. I observed this first hand once more at the company I was working in on 26 November 09 but it didn’t really affect me directly...

I need to book my Company's Christmas meal. I'm self employed. Do you think I've left it a bit late to book a table for one?

Then came news reports that the successful golfer, Tiger Woods, had been involved in a collision with a tree outside his house. Every news source and social media feed leapt on the passing pun wagon so my particular contribution had to be original...

Reports are emerging that you now really can't see the Woods for the tree

Unfortunately there were too many others picking up this story, which accelerated when it was discovered that the story included infidelity, a favourite media subject so I decided not to run with further stories. Instead, on 30 November 09 I turned my attention to thinking up content for a website that I had discovered, namely newsbiscuit.com. This site spoofs stories in an amusing way and suited my sense of parody. I consider contributing but meanwhile posted a couple of Tweets to suggest a story...

In tribute to @AdamProvis and links to newsbiscuit.com, thinking of submitting article entitled Highly Paid Bankers Reach Male Glass Ceiling
Next newsbiscuit article will be Sado-masochists Beat Themselves Into Second Place In Online Poll
The third in my trilogy of newsbiscuit submissions will be World Stocks Of Elbow Grease To Run Out In 2029

On 2 December 09 I purchased a lottery scratch-card, and having too much time on my hands studied the small print...

Scratchcard shows 'Win up to 10 times' Key word being 'Win'. Didn't, despite scratching more than The Singing Detective. Do I have a case?

And further investigated the concepts of winning in another post...

The principles of 'No Win, No Fee' should apply to all sportsmen. Would make Premiership football and Formula 1 much more exciting

But got more surreal later in the day...

It's nightime and got me thinking. Where does all the darkness go during the day? I'm pretty sure some is kept in my understairs cupboard

On 3 December 09 I commented on the ageing Satellite Navigation system in my car...

The SatNav in my car is so old I'm sure I just heard "Take ye olde road north and I bid you farewell"

The next day I posted another eclectic selection of silly comments...

I tried to get though the Tile Discount Store door but they had reduced it by 50%
My wife has a load of white hairs on her head. Should I call pest control?

And made social commentary the next day...

It seems to me that the modern fashion look is achieved by having a ten minute fight in a darkened wardrobe

But it wasn’t until 9 December 09 that I Tweeted my next memorable comment. Once again personal ego based...

In shock move Simon Cowell has signed himself up. Mr Cowell said that as he was on TV so much he couldn't resist the multimillion pound deal

Or was it two days later?...

Global warming is all the fault of Dyson. Nature abhors a vacuum

The BBC Sports Personality Of The Year ran on 13 December, which I always think this is quite unfair to all the competitors in the annual Late December West Sussex Bog Snorkelling Challenge Cup. However, it was won by footballer Ryan Giggs, who beat fellow candidate David Hayes, the British Heavyweight boxing champion. I immediately saw the ironic humour in this...

Ryan Giggs. The only guy to beat David Hayes this year

On 14 December 09 I was still following newsbiscuit.com and thought of a great parody about the ongoing fragile Middle East peace being hampered by an unexpected minor issue and like many of the stories on the site can be imagined through the headline alone...

There's no truth in the rumour that the Jews and Palastinians were about to get accord when they fell out again over the true meaning of LOL

And then went for a couple of real but less serious news subjects...

There's no truth in the rumour that Susan Boyle is pregnant with Piers Morgan's child. And that she's going to call it Piers Boyle
Following a phenomenally successful ad campaign L'Orelle admit that they are now so good that their customers are now no longer worth it

Then I returned to the newsbiscuit headline style for a few tweets...

Man gets four years for running down battery
Do skinheads worry about losing their hair as they get older?
"Global Warming a myth" says spokesman at opening of new Scottish beach

Then added another social comment...

Apparently more drivers are using their phones whilst...hang on roundabout coming

And my take on the planned industrial dispute at British Airways...

BA - The World's Favourite Airstrike

The next day I returned to fictitious headlines...

Shock! Overheard a woman claiming she didn't mind spiders. Turned out it was Jeremy Clarkson's wife talking about Alfa Romeo convertibles

And making amusing replies to others...

@ChairmanCorti The great thing about finding out you have schizophrenia is that you don't have to worry yourself about it

On 16 December 09 I set out a few rules to my followers in a series of related Tweets...

Hi to all new followers. Just so you know I don't automatically follow back if that's your particular bag. Unless you are a head of state
I may, just may, consider following you back if you are Julianne Moore. Or the twenty-fifth person from the left on the tenth row. Or Nelson
I will definatly follow you back if you mention barnacles, but only in the context of theatre seat reviews. Or if you send money of course
I would however recommend you stick with me because I am so funny I'm actually third in line to inheirit Paul Merton

My wit knew no bounds. I even said so...

My wit knows no bounds. Primarily because it is made of hot air

As advised before, due to the limitations of our names, not everyone can get their @forenamesurname Twitter handle. One option is to use a denominator at the end, such as @forenamesurname1, @forenamesurname2 or @forenamesurname3 etc. Some might even choose to use @forenamesurname1983 as they are so proud of their birthdate and wish everyone using the service to immediately deduce this. I particularly note that years around 1983 feature highly suggesting those just under thirty years old are the least net savvy.

However, I can never understand why someone uses a really high number, particularly if their name is not John Smith. Usually, if you come across a Twitterer with such a moniker as @forenamesurname783 it is a carelessly generated auto bot. These bots are just automated advertising mechanisms masquerading as followers and tweeting nothing but links to external sources such as adult content sites. I parodied this...

Decided to follow @leannYonts962 because she has no other followers. And frankly because the other 961 of them are rubbish

And then posted a tribute to the passing of the now crude and often error prone television Ceefax teletext service...

Th s is a fin5l tribut£ to t46 teletext serv!! R that wi,, clos3 on 16 Dexx. bet 200@. May it :est in 99ace

By 17 December 09 much of the UK was gripped by a flurry of snow. My posts duly fell as follows...

Following reports of some snow in England forecasters are predicting very heavy bouts of Twittering with a sharp increase of Twitpic entries
I wanted to make a snowman but here it has only rained. So I made Dustin Hoffman instead

On 18 December 09 I posted an entry picking up on the long running Apple Macintosh advertising campaign featuring the phrase ‘I’m a Mac. I’m a PC’...

I'm a Mac. My mate's a PC. My missess...Pen and paper

And made a joke about seasonal party accessories...

Great for the coming season's parties -Terrorist balloons. They blow themselves up

Then made a comment on the latest BBC guidelines...

Due to the BBC's new transparency policies and the increased use of drugs in Sport their flagship quiz will be retitled A Question Of Snort

And commented in my way on the news story about the lack of agreement reached in the 2010 Copenhagen Climate Talks...

Breakthrough in Copenhagen. All 192 nations agree to have tomato soup for starters
Another agreement in Copenhagen. It's agreed at 3 degrees. The floor has voted them better than The Supremes

It was proving a productive day for memorable Tweets. Another emerged about the ongoing government funded boiler scrappage scheme...

Just got £250 cheque from Alistair Darling by trading in my missess under the old boiler scrappage scheme

Finally I made a comment about the Tweeting hasgtag concept after noticing that some used very long hashtags, rendering actual message space more limited...

#TrendingTopicThatIsSoElongatedInIts'SpecificityThatThereIsNoLongerAnyRoomToWriteTheMessageThatTheTrendingTopicWasMeantToBeMakingAPointAbout

The next day I posted another joke...

Bought a painting of a man in jail for a crime he didn't commit. It was framed

On 21 December 09 I returned to the subject of making up unlikely headlines...

Breaking news. Police baffled after stopping teenager driving less than the speed limit is found to have his own insurance

And again on the 23 December 09. This time commenting on the seasonal holiday that Twitter was considering along with the propensity of celebrities to use the service and famous addict retreats....

There's no truth in the rumour that The Priory is preparing for a sharp increase in admittance following Twitter's notice of a Xmas break

25 December 09 was Christmas Day. This news should not be a great surprise to most but the fact my tweeting remaining unabated might. And a friend’s comment inspired another memorable Tweet...

The misses is slimming. Now her jeans are loose. Like living with Bob The Builder. Still, somewhere to park the bike. The Quad Bike

I might also note that this was one of the first that I posted using the Tweetie iPhone mobile application, having unceremoniously dumped Echofon.

But the App. change didn’t dent my Tweeting and the final memorable Tweet of the year came from the name of the next day. I hardly need to state the date...

It's Boxing Day. Accordingly I have parked my car in such a way that the neighbour cannot get his car out

I shall be reporting my other memorable posts, but you will need to wait until at least 31 December 2010 for these. I bet you can’t wait. At least given the notice you’ll be able to prepare the necessary four days to read the ‘summary’. However, I make no apology for such great content, retweeted.


Links



Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.161 27 Jun 2018
Tweets First Published: Twitter during 2009
Written Dec 2009 and Published: Version 2.04 in Dec 2009
The first photograph shows the commemorative plaque screwed into the deck of HMS Victory, currently on display in Portsmouth. It was taken by the author on 3 May 2009 and was first added to the website in Version 3.0 in Mar 2010
The second photograph was taken by the author in a lift lobby in a Bristol car park and was first added to the website in Version 3.0 in Mar 2010