vinceunlimited Jokes

Hello. You are looking at a selection of vinceunlimited Jokes.

This place is destined to house all my jokes. The trouble is that someone left the door open and most have escaped. As soon as they are rounded up I'll put them back here, where they belong.

Meanwhile, here are those that I managed to capture in my giggle trap. And as is the case with all randomly collected jokes they are in no particular order.

All jokes in this section are original and devised by the website author, me. Or taken direct from their source as discovered in conversation. Unless otherwise acknowledged.

For a more comprehensive collection buy some Christmas crackers, or go down the pub and listen.

As this is a source of originality you may feel confident in trying to pass these off as your own. I would be powerless to stop this and wouldn't if I could. They are here as free shareware.

However, if you have difficulty in releasing them to an appreciative audience I suggest that you use the time honoured method of joke distribution. Tell a kid in a school playground. There, and you thought you would never come across a website advocating soliciting a child's attention in public!


Links



Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.164 2 Aug 2018
A Jokes page first published in Version 1.01 but contained no jokes. Not joking
First published in similar format, with some jokes: Version 1.02 Mar 2004
First published in this format: Version 5.048 1 Jan 2018



The Jokes and One liners

Added in Version 3.0 in Mar 2010

I brought a pair of high tech glasses made from memory metal. The trouble was that they remembered they used to be a Volkswagen Beetle

The legal system is definitely favoured towards the criminal. I committed a crime and was amazed I could get ID protection. Admittedly as it was only a low level crime all I got was a badge saying my name is not Bill

I asked the store assistant where she kept the laxatives. She pointed to the bottom shelf

You know when you are getting old. You start to recite vowels whilst walking down stairs...Aay...Eee...Aye...Ohh...Eughh

It is unfair to mock those with OCD, unless it is done neatly

What is it about IT people that just makes you want to poke your digit in their iSocket?

Don't you find it annoying when foreigners insist on naming places in their own language. It causes confusion. For instance, when they constructed the new airport at Hong Kong and named it Chek Lap Kok I thought they called it Jet Black Cock and for weeks afterwards was musing whether pilots had trouble locating that in the Far East

I hate those TV documentaries late at night where they censor female nudity with a fuzzy camera shot. For years I thought all women were like that. I recall the first time seeing a naked girl and thinking "Wow! It's in focus"

I met a girl on the train the other day. It was a short romance. We met at Waterloo, slept together. Well she slept, I read the paper. It was all over by Basingstoke. She never writes, never calls. I didn't send flowers. Then a bloke got on and sat next to me. When he fell asleep I punched him. Well. I'm not gay

Thin people are always hungry. There's a reason for the expression Fat and Content. The trouble is I'm two stone over-content

The instructions read 'Store in a cool place'. Which explains why I was in Samuel Jackson's movie trailer

Imagine a Margaret Thatcher voiced Sat-Nav. "Make a u-turn if it's possible" "You turn if you want to. This Lady's not for turning"

My mate had one of those genetic tests to determine how he was going to die. It wasn't very accurate. He got run over by a bus

The Volkswagen Beetle was built by Ferdinand Porsche as directed by Adolf Hitler.  However there is no truth in the rumour that the first models had three gears marked low, medium and Sieg High

Brought one of those Pringle jumpers. A bit crunchy to wear

I did a consumer comparison test between an Apple iPhone and an actual apple. The apple won out in the drop and submerging tests. Next time I’ll be comparing a Palm Pre with a palm tree

I don't mind that today's teenagers are unfit. At least I'll be able to catch the chubby bastards when they nick my mobile phone

Added in Version 2.04 in Dec 2006

I dated a girl with a hatchback. Still, she's had traction now

Added in Version 2.01 in Jul 2005

There was mass confusion everywhere and all the city rail stations were closed - In fact the only station open was Panic Station

Added in Version 1.03 in Feb 2005

How did medieval knights ever get on? They could only move two places forward and one to the right

A conservationist was having trouble recording the number of elephants in his wildlife park so asked his friend if he had any ideas. He explained that the elephants were difficult to count from his helicopter because their grey skin was camouflaged against the terrain. His friend was a geneticist so suggested that the elephants could be bred orange by mixing their genes with those of a carrot. An experiment was tried and was successful so from then on all the new elephants were born orange and could be seen from the air. To celebrate the success the two friends met up for a meal at the geneticist's favourite restaurant. They ordered the roast and were served the meat, potatoes and two veg. On delivery of the meal all the carrots leapt up off the geneticist's plate. "There," he explained to his friend "I don't like carrots and carrots never forget"

I used to lay back in my car and scrawl the name of my favourite rock groups on the roof. They are all headline bands now

First published in Version 1.02 Mar 2004

Did you hear about the soldier who was drafted into service without his consent? He was waiting in his school careers office. Someone called out "Next". He replied "Ah. Me"

"My name's Bond. James Bond. The first James Bond. They call me Premium Bond. 00-7 is my code. 00-6 was my predecessor. 00-gauge is my railway collection. My archenemy is Scaramango. He has a habit of wanting to take over the world. Not his worst habit, that's his chain-smoking. I call him the man with the golden lung. My first boss was known as M. I can now reveal that his name was Mick. My second boss was known as N. I can now reveal that his name was Nick. My current boss is known as P. But, as you can imagine, I cannot reveal his name"

"My name is Bond. That's James Bond. I've been played by Connery and Moore. I live and let live all 'round the world. Best of all I've seen Pussy Galore"

I used to be a psychiatric case but I've recovered now. I'm a suitcase

My wife is so obsessed with cleanliness. When we go to a party she takes a bottle of mouthwash

How do blind dates find where they are meant to meet?

If you made a fortune drilling for milk in the Middle East, would you be a milk Sheikh?

After driving across Europe, I knew I was back in Britain. The washer bottle froze

I'm not saying that the flat we bought was small. It's just that in the bedroom we had a wall-to-wall carpet tile fitted


My Favourite Joke

First published in Version 1.02 Mar 2004

And now, my favourite joke of all time. Not, original by me, I wouldn't be so presumptive. It's better than mine, so if you are the rightful owner of this joke please advise me and I'll give acknowledgement.

A customer enters a pet shop and asks for a wasp. The confused shop owner advises that he doesn't sell them. Unrepentant the customer pleads, "But, I saw one in your window yesterday"


[Not So] Famous Quotations

Finally, a selection of not so famous quotes.

First published in Version 1.02 Mar 2004

Tutankhamen: "Do you normally build the roof first?"

Moses [before speaking to God]: "Fire! Fire!"

Joseph: "Don't look at me, Mary"

The Ancient Mariner: "Anyone for Albatross?"

The Wizard of Oz [to his builder]: "I don't care what you think. I want it yellow"


Further Chortling

For more snappy quips, check out my vQuotes page.

So, that's the start. With the jokes from my website Versions 1.02 dated Mar 2004 to 3.0 dated Mar 2010.

More will inevitably follow as sure as night follows Thursday morning. In time this page will be chock-a-block with all the amusing, fun and clever jokes from the mind and keyboard of vinceunlimited.

If you want more vinceunlimited humour there is loads of it smattered around my Twitter feed. A much easier place to add this sort of stuff.

Or look at your own knees. Obviously not as funny as mine. But that's all there is for now.

If you can't wait for more mirth then put finger to keyboard and email me a request.


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.164 2 Aug 2018