vinceunlimited Jokes

Hello. You are looking at a selection of vinceunlimited Jokes.

This place is destined to house all my jokes. The trouble is that someone left the door open and most have escaped. As soon as they are rounded up I'll put them back here, where they belong.

Meanwhile, here are those that I managed to capture in my giggle trap. And as is the case with all randomly collected jokes they are in no particular order.

All jokes in this section are original and devised by the website author, me. Or taken direct from their source as discovered in conversation. Unless otherwise acknowledged.

For a more comprehensive collection buy some Christmas crackers, or go down the pub and listen.

As this is a source of originality you may feel confident in trying to pass these off as your own. I would be powerless to stop this and wouldn't if I could. They are here as free shareware.

However, if you have difficulty in releasing them to an appreciative audience I suggest that you use the time honoured method of joke distribution. Tell a kid in a school playground. There, and you thought you would never come across a website advocating soliciting a child's attention in public!


Jokes and One liners

Added in Version 2.01 in Jul 2005

There was mass confusion everywhere and all the city rail stations were closed - In fact the only station open was Panic Station.

Added in Version 1.03 in Feb 2005

How did medieval knights ever get on? They could only move two places forward and one to the right.

A conservationist was having trouble recording the number of elephants in his wildlife park so asked his friend if he had any ideas. He explained that the elephants were difficult to count from his helicopter because their grey skin was camouflaged against the terrain. His friend was a geneticist so suggested that the elephants could be bred orange by mixing their genes with those of a carrot. An experiment was tried and was successful so from then on all the new elephants were born orange and could be seen from the air. To celebrate the success the two friends met up for a meal at the geneticist's favourite restaurant. They ordered the roast and were served the meat, potatoes and two veg. On delivery of the meal all the carrots leapt up off the geneticist's plate. "There," he explained to his friend "I don't like carrots and carrots never forget."

I used to lay back in my car and scrawl the name of my favourite rock groups on the roof. They are all headline bands now.

First published in Version 1.02 Mar 2004

Did you hear about the soldier who was drafted into service without his consent? He was waiting in his school careers office. Someone called out "Next". He replied "Ah. Me."

"My name's Bond. James Bond. The first James Bond. They call me Premium Bond. 00-7 is my code. 00-6 was my predecessor. 00-gauge is my railway collection. My archenemy is Scaramango. He has a habit of wanting to take over the world. Not his worst habit, that's his chain-smoking. I call him the man with the golden lung. My first boss was known as M. I can now reveal that his name was Mick. My second boss was known as N. I can now reveal that his name was Nick. My current boss is known as P. But, as you can imagine, I cannot reveal his name."

"My name is Bond. That's James Bond. I've been played by Connery and Moore. I live and let live all 'round the world. Best of all I've seen Pussy Galore."

I used to be a psychiatric case but I've recovered now. I'm a suitcase.

My wife is so obsessed with cleanliness. When we go to a party she takes a bottle of mouthwash.

How do blind dates find where they are meant to meet?

If you made a fortune drilling for milk in the Middle East, would you be a milk Sheikh?

After driving across Europe, I knew I was back in Britain. The washer bottle froze.

I'm not saying that the flat we bought was small. It's just that in the bedroom we had a wall-to-wall carpet tile fitted.


My Favourite Joke

First published in Version 1.02 Mar 2004

And now, my favourite joke of all time. Not, original by me, I wouldn't be so presumptive. It's better than mine, so if you are the rightful owner of this joke please advise me and I'll give acknowledgement.

A customer enters a pet shop and asks for a wasp. The confused shop owner advises that he doesn't sell them. Unrepentant the customer pleads, "But, I saw one in your window yesterday".


[Not So] Famous Quotations

Finally, a selection of not so famous quotes.

First published in Version 1.02 Mar 2004

Tutankhamen: "Do you normally build the roof first?"

Moses [before speaking to God]: "Fire. Fire."

Joseph: "Don't look at me, Mary."

The Ancient Mariner: "Anyone for Albatross?"

The Wizard of Oz [to his builder]: "I don't care what you think. I want it yellow."


Further Chortling

For more snappy quips, check out my vQuotes page.

So, that's the start. With the jokes from my website Versions 1.02 dated Mar 2004 to 2.01 dated Jul 2005.

More will inevitably follow as sure as night follows Thursday morning. In time this page will be chock-a-block with all the amusing, fun and clever jokes from the mind and keyboard of vinceunlimited. It will be enhanced soon so please be patient and check back in due course.

If you want more vinceunlimited humour there is loads of it smattered around my Twitter feed. A much easier place to add this sort of stuff.

Or be daring and hook up with my humourist selection under vChoices.

Or look at your own knees. Obviously not as funny as mine. But that's all there is for now.

If you can't wait for more mirth then put finger to keyboard and e-mail me a request.


Links


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.094 4 Apr 2018
A Jokes page first published in Version 1.01 but contained no jokes. Not joking
First published in similar format, with some jokes: Version 1.02 Mar 2004
First published in this format: Version 5.048 1 Jan 2018
See small text details for update dates