The vinceunlimited Company Policy Sketch
Type: 3-4 minute sketch with 2 main actors, plus extras set in an office reception.
The sketch is set in an office reception area. A receptionist sits behind the desk. A visitor enters.
Receptionist: "Good morning and welcome." The visitor acknowledges politely and turns to enter the office area.
Receptionist: "Would you sign the book, sir." The visitor mutters apology and signs in. He then makes for the office again.
Receptionist: "And the other book, sir." The visitor looks bemused and enquires why there are two books.
Receptionist: "Fire regulations, sir. It is company policy." The visitor accepts and signs the second book, then tries to leave.
Receptionist: "Your bag, sir?" The visitor again looks confused and enquires why.
Receptionist: "Security risk, sir. We have sensitive data and equipment. We wouldn't want it getting out."
Visitor: "I'm not here to steal things."
Receptionist: "It is company policy, sir. I'll look after it here if you like."
Visitor, reluctantly handing over his case: "Very well." He attempts to leave.
Receptionist: "Are we forgetting something, sir?"
Visitor, getting slightly annoyed: "What?"
Receptionist: "Your mobile 'phone, sir. It may have a camera attachment."
Visitor, annoyed: "It hasn't."
Receptionist: "I'm not to know that, sir. I can't be an expert on all things so Company Policy says..."
Visitor, interrupting: "Very well. Here it is."
Receptionist, taking the phone: "Thank you. And your jacket sir."
Visitor, bemused: "My what?"
Receptionist: "Your jacket. I must insist that you leave your jacket."
Visitor, guessing: "My pockets. Are you concerned that I might slip something into it."
Receptionist: "It's company policy. I was only reading a paper the other day. Jacket lapels can conceal recording microphones. Best leave it here with me."
The Visitor removes his jacket and hands it to the receptionist.
Receptionist: "And your trousers sir?"
Visitor: "My trousers! Why do you need these?"
Receptionist: "I was only reading on the internet, the other day. It appears that some manufacturers are incorporating modern technology in their fabrics that can sense heat and light. You must have seen those tee shirts that change colour dependant on mood. I'm afraid it is our..."
Visitor, resigned: "...Company Policy?" He dutifully removes his trousers.
Receptionist: "Open wide, sir."
Visitor: "I beg your pardon."
Receptionist, producing a large torch: "I need to look in your mouth. Just to check. Open wide."
The visitor opens his mouth and the receptionist peers in.
Receptionist: "And if I might?" The receptionist beckons toward the visitor's underwear.
Visitor, pulling his underwear forward: "Very well." The receptionist reluctantly peers down, grimaces, then gently reaches in to move things to the side. The visitor winces.
Visitor, now quite exhausted by the humiliation: "Is that all?"
They are suddenly interrupted by a film crew who crash in through the door. One person holds a camera, another a boom mike. There are assistants with clipboards and cases. The director struts forward.
Director: "Film crew for the office documentary. Alright to go in love?"
Receptionist: "Just straight through guys. I'll sign you in."
The visitor looks aghast: "What about Company Policy?"
The receptionist is unperturbed. She reaches down behind the desk and emerges with a pair of rubber gloves. "Bend over, sir." She puts another smaller torch in her mouth and snaps the gloves on.
You are welcome to use this sketch, on stage or video but credit and royalties must be given to Vince Poynter as the author. An invite to see it performed would also be welcomed, along with requests for more sketches, which can be scripted on any subject. Contact me at any time of the day or night for more information. Although, if you contact me at night I won't guarantee that I'll open my inbox until the next morning. Mummy always told me not to open the door when it gets dark. Mind you, I'm not sure that email inboxes were thought of when she said that.
Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.057 15 Jan 2018
First Published: Version 1.02 in Mar 2004
The photograph is of the author in his suit and on his phone in taken in 2009 and was added in Version 5.057 15 Jan 2018