My Poynter View
From the autobiography of Vince Poynter
Herein lieth the autobiography of the late and dearly but not departed Vince of vinceunlimited fame.
Please noteth that the document in question is a work in progress and clearly incomplete. In fact hardly startedeth. This will eventually be finalised (or at least the first installment will be as no-one really wants their autobiography to be completed) and then publishedeth.
At this point there will be a printed version, a film, a mini-series, it will be subsequently translated into 43 languages and a rip-off sub-series will be commissioned starring an ex-popstar.
The whole document will only be completeth upon the final demise of said subject. Deatheth.
P.S. Note the term lieth at the beginning of this paragraph. If you feel like suing over a matter of stated fact within the text below and on related pages I will reliath on thiseth.
Imagine the beginning. Nothing. Nothing but two men. Two great beings in body and mind. Two great forces, born leaders with unequalled ability, immense strength and pretty fine teeth.
Despite all this they had nothing. Nothing to challenge their intellects, nor stretch their considerable abilities. In short an unfulfilled void.
So one day, I believe it may have been a Tuesday, these two decided to set about creating an existance within a universe of their own.
During the course of the next eighteen months the two worked hard, creating galaxy after galaxy. Competing to build bigger and more magnificent structures and populating the place with every conceivable form of planetary type. Plus a few others that weren't quite to standard pattern.
After a while and with an awful lot of universe to show for it the two guys decided to form the most perfect star system. Then within that system the most beautiful planet. A planet so fantastic that it would embody every conceivable thought, all ideas.
This planet, that they named Earth, although relatively small in size was packed full of extremeties.
Cold polar caps and unbearably arid deserts bounded the plentiful plains and dramatic rock landscapes. The humid jungles and barren wastelands, the rivers cascading wonderously into the open seas. The light of day and cold dark of night even the swirling winds and torrid rains added to the grand spectacle.
A thousand life forms were added to provide noise, movement and energy. A thousand other variants of each were added to enhance the cacaphony of sound. Many with ultra bright colours to dazzle and inspire.
Tiny insects to enormous whales. Microscopic life forms, fur, hair and feather were included giving a range of abilities to move around the seas, land and air.
They even included a baboon with a bright red bum, although each denied that one.
Fire was included to burn waste and allow new life forms to develop. The seas lapped at the land edges constantly changing their shape and clouds kept a fairytale atmosphere around the globe.
The two had indeed created a utopian dream but still it lacked something.
So the two got together to create the ultimate user of the planet. Mankind.
This humanoid lifeform, although closely phisiologically related to many of the other lifeforms was given full biped status to rise over his contemporaries. An opposable thumb was added to help handle his environment and his brain was enlargened to cope with thought and understanding.
Every type was introduced. Colour variants, age differences, ugly and handsome. Charming sweet people and those that others would despise. Every type indeed.
Something was still amiss so they added another fundamental difference. A woman.
Then they thought that she might get a bit busy so they created more. One to match every man.
She two was thin and fat and had every hair colour. That's the description of each of them, not the collective.
Well after all this the two great beings sat back in their Parker-Knoll recliners and started to run and control the whole system.
The longer they watched the more fascinated they became. Their created mass developed a life force of it's own. Decisions were made and actions taken that they couldn't have predicted. It became fun and they wanted to join in and be a part of it all.
So one day, a Friday on this occassion, they agreed that as they were both stupendously powerful and clever that only one was needed to run the system.
They decided on a complex, harrowing, dangerous and difficult strategy to decide who was to go down onto Earth and have a whale of a time and who would stay and control it all. But on second thoughts they decided to pull straws.
Well, God lost so the other guy went down to Earth, to be born a man and live a life. And my name is Vince.
My autobiography will be subdivided into chapters, provisionally entitled as shown below. You can see I was most inventive in their naming. I hope to complete them generally in sequence, that would suit my logical mindset.
However, one link is already up and running and a flash of inspiration may inspire me to make an out of sequence one erupt first. Colours will indicate which are live and I'll advise those that have altered and which are yet to germinate.
If you want to hear about one section first then I suggest you give me a good badgering. And that doesn't involve the placement of dual-tone, nocturnal mammels in my rectal passage.
Baby - Will be completed eventually
Child - Will be completed eventually
Teenager - Will be completed eventually
Start Working - Will be completed eventually
Settling Down - Will be completed eventually
Getting Older - Will be completed eventually
Middle Age Onwards - Will be completed after it has happened.
Appetite Whetter - The story of my transatlantic QE2 journey
Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.052 5 Jan 2018
First Published: Version 1.02 in Mar 2004
The image depicts Vince Poynter stood on a bridge in Eton and was added in Version 5.052 5 Jan 2018