The vinceunlimited Home Page

Welcome to the developing, wonderful world of the vinceunlimited website, now in it's fifth iteration.

They say that if you provide enough monkeys with enough time sat behind enough typewriters then eventually one will produce the complete works of Shakespeare. However, before any of these monkeys arbitrarily produce such prose, in theory, one will have keyed in the link to this website. So welcome to you if you are that monkey. Award yourself a banana.

However, most of you will have arrived here in a more logical fashion, either by a deliberate action or from a useful link. In whatever way you arrived you are most welcome. So have that banana anyway.

If you are a new visitor I suggest you start here with my warm and heartfelt welcome. But don't dwell too long. Please be assured, this page doesn't get better on the second or third readings and it won't morph into something more interesting either. Move on and start to explore the nooks and crannies that punctuate the whole site.

Please feel free to meander throughout the site using the local hyperlinks and big blue buttons provided to take you on a tour of the passions of the author.

So browse the old mouse on some words and you'll get in-site jump links or rodger your rodent on a big blue button to fly off immediately to the named specialist page.

But please come back sometime if your explorations take you off somewhere.

On this homepage you will find various boxes containing the latest great articles which are also copied to various other sections for permanent retrieval.

The website content is gradually being updated and re-built, page by page, one article at a time, starting with the oldest versions first, on an almost daily basis so you can re-live the creation of this website from it's earliest form. With each article being lovingly re-mastered to include relevant photos and detailed issue date and relevant information.

Currently all articles from version 1.00 to 1.02 are included and now further items from version 1.03 onwards are being replicated.

As a result the website now contains great features to allow you to discover content ideal to your needs in a variety of interesting ways.

- All the old favourite vSections as listed above such as Ideas, Opinions, Political and Writing

- You can find out more about the me, check out the website's version history or do a vSearch using the links at the top right

- In the left column there are new photo clickable vSectors including Bikes, Cars and Computers

- Choices in the right column include vChoices where you can either choose buttons to randomly select a page from the site or to see only the content relevant to your passion. There is a quick click access to send a vMail Or even links to discover pages in vQuote by choosing a quotable phrase. And also to check out my other vSocialMedia links at the bottom right

- And if you ever stray too far from the homepage and want to return quickly just click on my mini-photo icon at the top left and you will return back here.

Whilst the website is being re-built there are just a few links that are incomplete with fewer each version although these will be populated in due course.

Finally, remember more and more articles and pages are being added every week. Some on a daily basis so please re-visit vinceunlimited.co.uk regularly to keep up to date with the latest posts.

Thanks for visiting.


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.072 16 Feb 2018
First Published: Version 5.000 29 Sep 2017



Celebrity Meal Friends

Fantasy Dinner Party [In 2005]

A list of the reprobates that you would have heard of that I'd ask round for dinner, should I feel like cooking.

I should add a caveat that I am not personally familiar with these people (a shame in so many cases) so my judgement is based on their media perceptions. Having stated that I doubt that in real life Billy would not be funny or Demi would be ugly.

Not that I have just picked the men on their humour and the women on their looks. If you knew the type of woman I usually found attractive you may question my Optician's qualifications. It is just that pretty girls often seem so offish. I'm far more likely to like a woman that doesn't fall into the best ten looking in the world. In some cases they wouldn't reach the top ten in the room. Of nine.

Incidentally all these are listed alphabetically, in case you were thinking I had a particularly soft spot for Rowan.

I have kept my list to those that are living today (as far as I know). Departed guests may have included Oscar Wilde for his fascinating conversation or Princess Diana for her fun and beauty.

Or even King Henry VIII, as he would be able to recall detailed stories of our past and I've heard he was fond of a meal or two.

Not that I'd be swayed by many of the historical greats. Drake would just bleat on about his potatoes, Ghandi wouldn't touch the beef, Mother Theresa would nick the tea towels and most politicians would be a singular subject bore (with the exception of Boris).

Finally, those that just missed out include Rick Parfait of Status Quo fame, because he is really at his best when with his guitar playing colleague Francis Rossi and there is not room for two others.

And Francis Rossi for much the same reason.

Plus, the lads would then outnumber the ladies and at present the list is so evenly split.

Until I add myself in of course. So I'd have to invite the misses as well. Provided she doesn't go on about Russell Crowe all evening. It would spoil my conversations with the girls!




Rowan Atkinson

My first choice is rubber-faced comic Rowan Atkinson.

I admire his work greatly and would be able to find out if he was as crazy in real life as his celebrity image suggests.

Plus, the only thing I know about Rowan outside his life of humour is that he is a real petrol-head, which makes him OK in my book.




Melanie Chisholm (AKA Mel C)

It was tempting just to invite the whole cast of Girls Aloud but the original girl-band would probably be more interesting to meet and there are two in my list.

The first is the token 'northerner' Melanie Chisholm.

I have no idea about her likes or mannerisms but Mel C has the voice of an angel. It's soothing tones are enough to melt my heart.

But although her singing voice is as pure as driven snow when she speaks it is more akin to coal.

So it's her cute figure that swings it.




Billy Connolly

Who wouldn't want Billy Connolly as a guest at their dinner table, except perhaps a prude.

He is renowned for his method of stand-up that doesn't include rehearsal. If he can produce that quality on stage he'll be a riot one-to-one.

And if things start to get awkward I'll just ask him about his connections with upmarket leather interiors for cars.




Ben Elton

Ben Elton wouldn't just feature on my dream celebrity dinner table as a performer but he would also feature in my top ten authors, if only I could think of another eight.

Bill Bryson, if you were wondering.




Sarah Ferguson

Fun time royal Sarah Ferguson would provide a down to earth recollection of part of our living history.

I'm a royalist but few Royals would brighten the table as much as the ever-smiling Duchess of York.

She'd be fun, I can see it in her eyes.




Stephen Fry

Quite an interesting choice is the know-it-all Stephen Fry.

I'm sure conversation with Stephen would never run dry.

He'd be the best at recounting celebrity anecdotes. Or, as it is known to you and I, dropping names.




Geri Halliwell

My second Spice Girl is Geri Halliwell.

I think she has received unfair treatment by the press for no other reason than being the oldest in the group.

But I see Geri as a girl of wide experience and great fun. Of which the press would interpret as having been around a bit.

Well she can come around to mine anytime.




Amanda Holden

A hometown connection would be the catalyst to invite Amanda Holden to my dinner party.

We share common acting roots within our local community so we'll be able to share stories about the poeple we know.

And sharing stories with such a pretty woman would be hard to resist.




Boris Johnson

You need at least one token political person in such a gathering but for the reasons stated above I'd struggle to justify many.

I considered John Major as he often talks sense, Tony Blair because he is an incumbent Prime Minister or Lady Thatcher as she is a living legend but I doubt that I could share friendships with these people.

No, for coupling political nous to a sense of fun I'd pick Boris Johnson.

He's welcome, if he can find the address.




Demi Moore

And last, but by no means least the stunning Demi Moore. Who, lets face it, could only be bettered by being a full Moore.

With Demi I could chew the Hollywood fat and get a low down on all the top people in the dream business.

There would be the gaping mouth and dribbling chin to contend with of course.

But she will just have to put up with that.


Links


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.072 16 Feb 2018
First Published: Version 1.03 Feb 2005



vQuotes

Snappy Quips

Vince sat in an office in a yellow shirt and loud tie on the phone whilst working his computer mouse
Yellow shirt ✓ Loud tie ✓ Busy on the phone ✓ Annoying person ✓ - A copywriter at work

This is the vQuote page of the vinceunlimited website, which will eventually be populated with all the original and memorable quotations that have oratoraly spewed forth from the mouth of Vince.

Our lives are dominated by the phrases and sayings dreamt up at alcohol fuelled, barnstorming sessions in trendy, high rise office spaces by people wearing brightly coloured braces with a tendency to say 'think outside the box' quite a lot. At least that's what I presume.

I once applied for a position at one of these copywriting companies but wasn't considered. I had figured I would be good at the job and my natural talent would shine through. Plus the braces would have suited me. It would be more appropriate for me than the soulless industry I had fallen into.

However, possessing my kind of staying power and determination I gave up at the first hurdle and have been a closet copywriter ever since.

But now comes my revenge. The internet has allowed us all to fulfill our deepest wishes despite our given opportunities. Now, luck no longer controls our destiny and it's up to us to seize the chance and make amends for the injustices of fate. If only we could be arsed.

I will use this part of my website to publish the quotes, quips and sayings that I use or think up.

Kind of a personal Dictionary of Quotations.

All will be, as far as I am aware, original. Please advise me if this isn't the case.

And, as is the nature of these things feel free to quote them mercilessly. A certain pride will amass in my inner regions when I hear them uttered by the great and good. But don't forget that acknowledgement when appropriate.

The vQuote Quotations

First published in version 1.03 in Feb 2005
Green sky thinking - Much less restrictive than the blue variety

You know your marriage is in trouble when the fear that your partner will leave turns to hope

I read it from cover to cover. Via the spine

Mothers ask you nice questions, like when do you want your tea? Fathers are more taxing, they ask questions such as where have you been, or why were you in the river? Or, what is the capital of Equatorial Guinea?

When I'm creative it's either there or it isn't. If I can't devise a method of intergalactic space propulsion during a single train journey I give up. The scientists of the world should be assured that I did once try

If dogs have such a good sense of smell why do they need to get so close to their mates rear end?

I'm the flamboyant sort who always flicks his underpants in the air on removal, catching them with my teeth. An action that I always regret afterwards

She is your number one fan. Is there a number two?

Computer sign off - Gotta fly - Got R.S.I.
First published in version 1.02 in Mar 2004
If undelivered. Why not? - Note at foot of registered letter

His books are sold by weight. Not volume

Men share 90% of their genes with a chimpanzee. But only around 30% with women

The shortest route isn't always the best. On a spiral staircase for instance

This website is easily one of the best ten million in the world
First published in version 1.00 in Oct 2003
Getting up at the crack of birds - An early start

Bugger, I'm not immortal - Carved into a headstone

Finally, a few put downs. These have all been used by me. Thankfully I'm still living to tell the tale

First published in version 1.02 in Mar 2004
"Let me introduce you to Mr. Comb."

To my wife trying on a jacket - "Frankly, it looked better on the hanger."

On wanting to find the right time to look good for a photograph - "Well. It's a narrow time window."

If you like my style of sayings you may be interested to know that you can search many of my website articles by snappy quip alone.

Seek such wordiness under vQuote - 'Click to choose a website quote' in the right column, or by selecting the appropriate blue button tagged below.

Links


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.070 13 Feb 2018
The idea of vQuotes was originally published as 'copywriting' in Version 1.00 in Oct 2003



Fame

A True Fifeteen Minutes Story

I'm a big fan of internet auction sites, or rather one in particular, namely eBay. I use it to sell on all my unwanted items and am rewarded with an above average financial return.

So I always read with interest any stories of unusual sales. The sort where someone offers two pounds for a pound coin or when a wife tries to sell her husband.

To this end I always wanted to do a spoof of my own. I figured that I'd try to get a definitive answer to the perennial question - What's the price of fame?

I set up an auction offering, to the highest bidder, a news story submission to their local and national media about the bid.

I envisaged the story tagged with 'At last, we know the price of fame. Mr. Idiot bid £x to have his name in the papers and get his 15 minutes of fame'.

So I set it up on the ubiquitous site and waited for a reply.

The auction would last ten days so that there was plenty of time for the world's media to find it. Unfortunately, not one picked up on the story.

I tried to excite interest by emailing eBay and notifying them of the opportunity of free advertising but the chap in a garage that runs the whole site was having a burger at the time, or counting his profits (I presume).

A few souls found the site and in the end I think about 150 people actually visited to see what it was all about. Probably mostly geeks not actually getting a life.

And one of these actually started the bidding. I was in business.

Now anyone who has used these auction sites knows that the bids come fast and thick toward the end of the auction particularly if one person has taken the plunge. I prepared for an auction battle.

I said prepared but this was more in the mental rather than physical way. There is little one can do whilst the auction is live, other than answer the dumb questions that the viewers think of; "Can you tell me how many of these single items you have please?" Or, "what colour is the red post-box?" Or "You say the postage to the USA is £6.00 so how much is it to Texas?"

None of these questions were asked during this auction though, unsurprisingly.

Finally the auction ended and I was left with a winner.

I emailed him straight away congratulating him on his impressive auctioneering skills and requesting the winning pound. I explained that all I needed was his name and location so that I could honour the auction promise and contact his local rag as well as the nationals.

I had a reply.

Only it wasn't of the nature you expect from someone who just won an auction whose prize was fame.

He asked how I was to maintain confidentiality, refusing to tell me his real name, even after assurances that I wasn't out to belittle his achievement or pass on his details. He was adamant and asked; "Can I do it anonymously?"

So there you have it.


The price of fame is one pound. And the winner is anonymous.


Not that I ever received the pound. But I didn't give him a negative comment on the auction site. After all, why mock the afflicted?

So, it's over to you now readers.

I'm offering to extend the auction indefinitely.

Do you want your 15 minutes? Email me an offer, over £1.00 please. Every time the bid increases I'll carry out my first promise, just as long as you pay up.

Just please don't do it anonymously!

And as they say - Send no money now!



Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.069 12 Feb 2018
First Published: Version 1.03 in Feb 2005



Favourite Films and TV

Celluloid Choices

Given the amount of time that I dedicate to watching TV (don't we all) I found it very difficult to put together a list worthy of assembling into a top ten. In fact only a few series stand out and no individual programmes.

It's not that I'm particularly difficult to please. Most nights there is ample entertainment or education on offer but very little remains in the mind for years afterwards.

However, this page would be pointless without making an attempt so check out my choices below.

Films are a much easier subject to schedule. Good films do leave an impression and I'm spoilt for choice and our cupboards are full of reminders in the shape of DVDs lest we forget.

So scroll down to see what lit my rocket on the big screen.

Television

Thunderbirds

Black & white photo of Vince playing with a Thunderbird 2 model
My fascination with Thunderbird 2 goes back to the sixties

My first choice is from my childhood and shares nothing in common with the big screen version. At least that's my opinion judging by the shape of Thunderbird 2 on the movie posters. Although I must admit that, as at the time of writing I haven't seen the film version. My memories go back to the puppetry of Gerry Andersson.

I suppose Mr. Andersson only got away with it because it was the sixties and we all thought we'd be in rockets by 2004. The rockets were fantastic and Thunderbird 2 (the real original version) is still my aeroplane of choice but the characters were abysmal.

Even at five years old I saw that. Those lips. Still, it's nice that Alan Hanson got another job afterward leaving the show.

Of all the heroic characters I most associated with Brains, not because he was clever but because he looked like a dork.

And I'd still love to drive FAB 1. Yes, the Rolls not the 2004 pink Ford (groan) Thunderbird.

Just one criticism of the programme. Why does everyone say FAB? I never recalled this as a catchphrase, and still do not know what it means.

Blue Peter

My second choice is also from my childhood, it just isn't the same now.

My era was the John Noakes, Valerie Singleton and Peter Purves years. I recall Blue Peter being the first programme for me to call my own. I knew what time it was on and always made an effort to watch it. Other members of my family used to have their programmes and I had mine. It seemed a lot more interesting than my Dad's stuffy Panorama.

I particularly recall an episode in which John Noakes went deep into the Amazon forest and met the locals who got him razzled on their local version of snake-bite and coke and tried to persuade him to jump from a tree attached to a fixed twine. This was their idea of a manly initiation and in the spirit of these sort of things the bravest were commended by the tribe, although the best appreciation was saved for those that actually broke their neck. I can't recall if John Noakes did the jump, or if Shep did it tied to his lead, but this stuck in my mind as it pre-dated bungee jumping by years.

The decline of Blue Peter started when Valerie Singleton was replaced, sorry Leslie Judd but you just weren't Valerie. A big disappointment for a growing lad.

Of course, all of my favourite presenters have now moved on. Valerie announced that she was a lesbian and started making serious programmes about money (presumably for my Dad, lucky man), Peter Purves got a part time job as a dog show presenter, which presumably kept the wolves from the door once his starring roles in Wacky Races had dried up and John Noakes, as far as I can tell sailed up the Orinoco in a coracle never to be seen again.

However, I may be a bit out on these facts.

24

Quite a leap from the heady days of 1960's British TV to this modern all action American series. Just goes to show what a load of crumbs that I've watched over the years. But when I tried to think of any influential programmes in the past this frenetic thriller leapt out.

I'm talking about the first series mainly, although the second kept up the quality, it just wasn't so fresh and new.

As for the third series it got swallowed up by (spit) Sky TV so I haven't yet had the pleasure.

For those who are not familiar with this adrenalin rush of a programme imaging watching three TV's at once whilst reading a book and setting your hair on fire and you'll be somewhere there.

Keifer Sutherland was always an also-ran jobbing actor until this series and I now look upon him as my first choice in a crisis.

The supporting cast was equally excellent, even, and I'm going to be slated by the fans for this, Jack's daughter.

Particularly outstanding was the presidential portrayal of the President (how else would he be portrayed?) by Dennis Haysbert although his whining wife was a pain.

The West Wing

Vince stood against the barriers outside the White House
Not sure which way was west

I love words. You may have gathered this from this page alone. And The West Wing is full of them delivered at such a cracking pace.

There have been other intellectual dramas but this one, more than any I can recall, does not wait for the audience to keep up. If you miss a bit, tough, you just ain't got what it takes to be in the White House with the team.

My favourite character is C.J. played sexily and intelligently by Allison Janney. And she should be proud to take such an accolade from this fine group. Clearly a demonstration of how quality is contagious.

However the true star of the show must be the creator and main writer, Aaron Sorkin. Aaron, you are a writing genius.

So, am I West Wing White House material? No way - I have a life.

The Green Wing

When looking for a comedy to include in my list I initially thought I was spoilt for choice.

Classics such as Some Mothers Do 'ave Em, Fawlty Towers and the Blackadder series were strong contenders and programmes I'll watch time and again but true timeless classics - I don't think so. They do not rise significantly above others such as Red Dwarf, The Young Ones or even The Good Life (mainly watched time and again for Felicity Kendal). An excess of choice perhaps, or just that the standard is so high.

So I have chosen, somewhat illogically, my latest favourite instead. After all, new comedy is really the best flavour.

The Green Wing shares little in common with the West variety above but does break genuine new ground. Although set in a hospital, a venue that is hardly in short supply on British TV, and without much of a narrative the programme still seems fresh and exciting, as well as hilariously funny at times.

The edited pace changes suit the format of a comedy where some things need relishing in detail and others can be sped up to get to the next comedy moment.

It helps that most of the actors are relative unknowns so you don't get the tedious David Jason's in it factor, each actor can be seen as the character rather than the personality.

If you haven't seen it catch it soon. It will be repeated several times I'm sure and like Fawlty Towers that is a good thing.

Favourite TV Programme

So what is my favourite of all time? My vote goes to The West Wing.

Nothing on TV comes close. Nor anything in real life by the look of it.

Gutter TV

And finally, the worst TV programme I can think of.

My first thoughts are the modern 'gentle' comedies. By gentle read not funny. These are the modern day Sunday night lightweight dramas, usually starring Alan Davies, a quite funny man when he does stand-up.

Or if they are even more 'gentle' then starring Sarah Lancashire.

But none of this vacuous TV wallpaper can top the condescending John Craven's Newsround. I'm starting to yawn now.


Films

The mark of a great film is the enjoyment when watching it over and over again. Repeated showings engrain the movie into the psyche and thus it becomes a classic.

This is a difficult task for the films that are story driven as familiarity destroys any surprise that had such an impact when the film was first shown. That is why there are so many action films in my list.

And so few comedies.

Airplane

It is a true credit to the makers of Airplane that it features at all in this list. But the litmus test of a film being accepted on repeat performances stacks up as there always seems to be something else to note when this film is played.

Quite possibly the funniest of all films.

Bridget Jones' Diary

On pure comedy this film would not have featured. The laughs are not clever enough to sustain repeated performances so the credit for this film's inclusion is in the performances of the characters, both central and supporting.

It is a feel good movie and I can't fault something that makes me feel good time and time again.

Con Air

Some critics have argued that this movie is nothing more than an adrenaline rush with no depth and poorly constructed two-dimensional characters. Even if it is - so what. I've never regretted watching it.

I'm quite happy to leave my brain switched off if the rest of my aural and visual senses are so well rewarded.

James Bond

Vince stood, dresed in a classic Tuxedo, arms folded, in a ships cabin
The name's Blond. James Blond

I thought carefully about including one of the Bond action films in my list and realised that individually some are very good, if not great but as a series it is up there with the best.

My favourite is usually the latest and unlike most commentators my favourite Bond is Timothy Dalton. Sean and Roger are just so yesterday and Pierce's version has no edge.

However, one nagging doubt remains. Arnold Schwartzeneggar's True Lies 'Bond' film is more watchable.

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park, for me, was the beginning of modern epic cinema.

As a child I loved the rubber dinosaurs of Ray Harryhausen but it took a theatre's leap of faith to really believe in the effects.

Even modern efforts such as the re-make of King Kong left me wondering at the animatronics rather than the gorilla. Jurassic Park was one of the first films I could really immerse myself into and believe that the monsters were real. And I do like to feel that sense of fantasy.

A first in effects, lifetime memorable scenes all coupled to a fascinating subject just about makes up for the 'oh, look the cute kids are in danger' slushiness of the script.

Life of Brian

Another amusing film worth repeated viewings, this time set against the biggest myth of modern times.

I don't take religion seriously at all so a parody should fall flat on its face. The fact that it doesn't is testament to the inspired writings of the Monty Python team.

I was just too young to appreciate their TV shows (I had to go to bed at nine, or I'd be a very, very naughty boy!) so there wasn't even a comfort and familiarity to ease me into the film but I got it all the same.

Now, if only they could do the same for the writings of the Koran.

Midnight Express

For a long time I used to class this film as my favourite of all time. I loved the realism and haunting Ennio Morriconi score. Now there have been so many better movies that I don't make this claim but its previous position should earn it a place in this list.

Midnight Express is probably the least know film in this list and if you haven't seen it yet get hold of a copy, you will not be disappointed.

Mind you, it was on the TV recently and I watched Big Brother instead. Oops.

Reservoir Dogs

The only thing that could improve Quentin Tarantino's blood fest Reservoir Dogs would be a menu option on the DVD to allow the viewer to see the film time-sequenced.

I am not a fan of flashback concepts and the Dog's is riddled with time discontinuity.

I would just like to know if it would still have as much impact as the director's cut.

Or even Michael Madsen's cut.

Ronin

Ronin has the best car chase scene ever. Better than The Driver, or Bullit. Do I need to state another reason to keep it in this list?

The Usual Suspects

The Usual Suspects is one of those rare films that having seen it you would like to watch it through again immediately. the clever script is wonderfully played out by a talented team of actors, engaging the viewer's attention.

The only downside being Benicio del Toro's unintelligible accent. Method acting too far I feel.

Top Gun

US Navy Grumman F14 Tomcat in mild climbing flight
Tom's cat?

Possibly the best film ever and I include 'It's a Wonderful Life' in that assumption.

Wonderful Life had no aerial jet dogfights for one thing.

One of the most quotable movies, filled with the phrases that became the cliches.

Tight story-line plotting, economy of language, foot tapping music and stunning visuals.

Top Gun is so good I still look out for films by the same producers. And that is rare, usually I judge a film by itself not it's actor, director or key-grip.

Favourite Film

So what is my favourite of all time? My vote goes to Top Gun.

Cheesy perhaps, but I like the taste of cheese.


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.068 11 Feb 2018
First Published: Version 1.03 Feb 2005
Photographs added in version 5.068 11 Feb 2018
The first photo shows the author in 1966 playing with his new 5th birthday present, a plastic model of Thunderbird 2
The second photo shows the author stood outside the barriers fencing off The White House, in Washington, North America in May 2015
The third photo shows the author dressed in a Tuxedo whilst stood in a cabin on board the QE2 in October 2005
The final photo show an US Navy Grumman F-14A Tomcat, designation AE 212 in flight and was taken around 1975



vinceunlimited Jokes

Hello. You have arrived at the vinceunlimited Jokes page.

This page is destined to house all my jokes. The trouble is that someone left the door open and most have escaped. As soon as they are rounded up I'll put them back here, where they belong.

Meanwhile, here are those that I managed to capture in my giggle trap. And as is the case with all randomly collected jokes they are in no particular order.

All jokes on this page are original and devised by the website author, me. Or taken direct from their source as discovered in conversation. Unless otherwise acknowledged.

For a more comprehensive collection buy some Christmas crackers, or go down the pub and listen.

As this is a source of originality you may feel confident in trying to pass these off as your own. I would be powerless to stop this and wouldn't if I could. They are here as free shareware.

However, if you have difficulty in releasing them to an appreciative audience I suggest that you use the time honoured method of joke distribution. Tell a kid in a school playground.

There, and you thought you would never come across a website advocating soliciting a child's attention in public!


Jokes and One liners

Did you hear about the soldier who was drafted into service without his consent? He was waiting in his school careers office. Someone called out "Next". He replied "Ah. Me."

"My name's Bond. James Bond. The first James Bond. They call me Premium Bond. 00-7 is my code. 00-6 was my predecessor. 00-gauge is my railway collection. My archenemy is Scaramango. He has a habit of wanting to take over the world. Not his worst habit, that's his chain-smoking. I call him the man with the golden lung. My first boss was known as M. I can now reveal that his name was Mick. My second boss was known as N. I can now reveal that his name was Nick. My current boss is known as P. But, as you can imagine, I cannot reveal his name."

"My name is Bond. That's James Bond.
I've been played by Connery and Moore.
I live and let live all 'round the world.
Best of all I've seen Pussy Galore."

I used to be a psychiatric case but I've recovered now. I'm a suitcase.

My wife is so obsessed with cleanliness. When we go to a party she takes a bottle of mouthwash.

How do blind dates find where they are meant to meet?

If you made a fortune drilling for milk in the Middle East, would you be a milk Sheikh?

After driving across Europe, I knew I was back in Britain. The washer bottle froze.

I'm not saying that the flat we bought was small. It's just that in the bedroom we had a wall-to-wall carpet tile fitted.

How did medieval knights ever get on? They could only move two places forward and one to the right.

A conservationist was having trouble recording the number of elephants in his wildlife park so asked his friend if he had any ideas. He explained that the elephants were difficult to count from his helicopter because their grey skin was camouflaged against the terrain. His friend was a geneticist so suggested that the elephants could be bred orange by mixing their genes with those of a carrot. An experiment was tried and was successful so from then on all the new elephants were born orange and could be seen from the air. To celebrate the success the two friends met up for a meal at the geneticist's favourite restaurant. They ordered the roast and were served the meat, potatoes and two veg. On delivery of the meal all the carrots leapt up off the geneticist's plate. "There," he explained to his friend "I don't like carrots and carrots never forget."

I used to lay back in my car and scrawl the name of my favourite rock groups on the roof. They are all headline bands now.


My Favourite Joke

And now, my favourite joke of all time. Not, original by me, I wouldn't be so presumptive. It's better than mine, so if you are the rightful owner of this joke please advise me and I'll give acknowledgement.

A customer enters a pet shop and asks for a wasp. The confused shop owner advises that he doesn't sell them. Unrepentant the customer pleads, "But, I saw one in your window yesterday".


[Not So] Famous Quotations

Finally, a selection of not so famous quotes.

Tutankhamen: "Do you normally build the roof first?"

Moses (before speaking to God): "Fire. Fire."

Joseph: "Don't look at me, Mary."

The Ancient Mariner: "Anyone for Albatross?"

The Wizard of Oz (to his builder): "I don't care what you think. I want it yellow."


Further Chortling

For more snappy quips, check out my vQuotes page.

So, that's the start. With the jokes from my website version 1.03 from Feb 2005.

More will inevitably follow as sure as night follows Thursday morning. In time this page will be chock-a-block with all the amusing, fun and clever jokes from the mind and keyboard of vinceunlimited. It will start soon so please be patient and check back in due course.

If you want more vinceunlimited humour there is loads of it smattered around my Twitter feed.

Or be daring and hook up with my humourist selection under vChoices.

Or look at your own knees. Obviously not as funny as mine. But that's all there is for now.

If you can't wait for more mirth then put finger to keyboard and e-mail me a request.


Links


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.067 7 Feb 2018
First published in similar format: Version 1.01 Jan 2004
First published in this format: Version 5.048 1 Jan 2018



The vinceunlimited Gilera 50 Bike Road Test

Freedom at forty-five

My double denim clad brother Mark sat astride his red Gilera 50 moped wearing a white open faced helmet and with a white sports bag over his shoulder
Mark on his shiny new Gilera 50 moped

The transformation of becoming a teenager is very traumatic. Your mental state changes as dramatically as your physical appearance. And your needs change too.

Transport suddenly becomes essential as the world doesn't just revolve around the bit of grass, bushes and a muddy stream just outside the front door. It is then that the explorer within starts to make a few tentative steps into the unknown.

I realise that in most cases this is only as far as the next group of shops but nevertheless the urge to get out of sight of the parents becomes paramount.

This is why, as a teenager I was gutted to not have a bike. I lived far enough from my school to miss out on activities that involved pointlessly hanging around on bicycles and although I was pretty fit (like all kids were in the seventies) I couldn't keep up on foot when they all peddled off to the next crucial hanging about point.

The fact that I was not allowed a bicycle as a child, due to some old nonsense about not keeping up with traffic, meant that when I was sixteen and legally allowed to ride a powered vehicle I was transformed.

The day I first rode a moped was as important to me as the time when a caterpillar first emerges as a butterfly. Although anyone witnessing those first tentative miles would probably liken it to an hour old fawn riding a wasp.

I was given a choice.

My elder brother of two years (hello Mark) was provided with a gleaming moped on his sixteenth birthday.

He chose a Gilera 50. A sturdy moped based on an accommodating 125cc motorcycle frame.

When I reached the magic age myself I was also offered a new 'ped or I could opt for a 'second-hand' motorcycle at seventeen.

As I was generously allowed to use Mark's Gilera I decided to defer the gift for a year and use the Gilera, as and when I could. Mark rarely saw it again.

The sturdy design meant that it was a comfortable bike, which was just as well as I spent many a full day buzzing along for hours on end.

The near 80 to the gallon meant that my wages could easily keep the tank full and my new found wanderlust was well accommodated. There was barely a road on the south coast that I hadn't been down. Some started to show signs of wear from overuse!

Being Italian it was red and handled well. In those days only Italian metal could properly get round a bend.

The proper motorcycle design ensured that the only restriction was the stupidly positioned pedals. These were a moped requirement and although they both locked in a parallel forward position (not all did) they grounded far too easily.

Tyre technology was dire compared to today's wide sticky compounds but this little solid bike could be predictably pushed to the limits of ground clearance and frequently was.

The Gilera 50 moped parked on a hill view next to a yellow Yamaha FS1E with it's owner Jeff
They can do 95mph. Added together

The downside was the top speed.

At forty-five miles per hour most sixteen year olds today would be over the moon. But this was 1975 and Yamaha had just released the FS1E, its new 50cc sports moped. And my mate Jeff had one.

The Fizzy was a strange slight thing, much like Jeff, but it had an enviable top end nearing fifty. It was probably only 48 but the 65 that showed on the Speedo meant that all spotty teens wanted one. And when they got it its little heart was pushed to the limit whenever ridden.

And then there was the Honda. Not the ubiquitous Cub step-through but their CB50 version of a mini-racer. This would speed at a shown 48, nearly as quick as the Yam, and my friend Dave had had one of these.

My Gilera, or should I say Mark's Gilera, was beaten hands down. And as teenager's brains do not allow them to temper the throttle all our ride outs together usually meant me following in a slipstream of blue haze and Castrol GTX.

Until I got to a bend, as the Jap bikes couldn't handle anything other than a straight.

Or when we had to ride up a hill as the screaming Japanese machines were so power stressed that they had no torque.

Plus, when we started using the mopeds for their true use, picking up girls, the Gilera still went 45 with a passenger while the others wheezed along at 40. Ha!

So other than top speed and limited cornering angles there was nothing to beat the Gilera.

I acknowledge that the electrics, as a six-volt system, were inadequate, barely powering the headlight which used to beam only as bright as it was revved but they were all like that in those days.

However the fit and finish was good, reliability was excellent, it was as strong as an ox and the accommodation and comfort were first class.

So would I choose it if I had my time again? Definitely no. It only did 45 and that was all that mattered.

But in hindsight my memories are not of the seats, the colour, the handling or even the speed.

I was sixteen, confident, daring. Couple that with inexperience and the net result, as many found out, was falling off.

The halcyon days of the moped were marred by crashes. Copious amounts of them. And when you live through them they make great pub stories.

The first was typical.

After visiting my friend across town I decided on a detour on the return trip.

On unfamiliar roads I would now be wary. At sixteen I was just plain carefree.

It wasn't high speed, or even the appearance of a roundabout beyond the blind bend that caught me out. It was the panic braking that caused the spill.

Even today the road is so quiet I could have sailed straight on, but at the time, not knowing the terrain I grabbed loads of brake and locked the wheels. The inevitable occurred and I was sent sprawling on the tarmac watching the Gilera spin away onto the roundabout in a shower of sparks.

This itself, whilst dramatic, hardly warrants pub-story status. What added to this was a bus load of pensioners parked on the far side of the roundabout.

Every one of these grey-coated souls turned to look at the fool lying in the road with his sideways bike still purring away.

No-one came to the rescue, presumably assuming I was OK or dead, with neither option needing their involvement.

I just lay there. I wasn't hurt. A bit shocked perhaps but mainly because this was my first off and I hadn't yet worked out what to do.

Later experience of these things taught me that you are allowed to get up if you want to but I didn't know that. In fact later on getting up too early was the problem but you'll have to read about that in my CX500 page.

On this day I lay there wondering whether an ambulance should come, or a policeman or my mother.

I must have been there for some time before I realised my mistake and rose, dusted myself off, picked up the bike and rode away.

I remember waving to the crowd on the bus, trying to promote an image that it was all planned and I'd be back around again for a repeat performance should they cheer loud enough. One or two waved back but I wasn't about to do it all again.

I rode off in to the distance, a bit more carefully from then on.

Vince on his knees fixing a removed exhaust pipe from the Gilera moped
Now, where did this bit fall off from?

It was the first of too many spills which punctuated my early riding days.

I recall another moment in those early days during a ride out to Bournemouth with Dave.

It was a fine summers day and we fancied an ice-cream and a gawp at some girls in bikinis so we set out on the forty mile journey, an epic at moped speeds.

I hadn't had the bike long, it must have just had the new handlebars fitted after the bus-stop episode, as the bike still wore its L-plates.

Unusually, and the only one amongst my friends, I later took the test to be able to ride L-plate free. This got me stopped by men in white cars with orange stripes quite a lot (you do remember the days when plod drove marked cars don't you?) but it did allow me to take all my girlfriends on the back (not all at once though).

The L-plate was significant. In fact crucial to the event. The rear one was mounted attached to the Gilera's number-plate by a Meccano strip and during that tortuous journey had loosed itself and started rattling.

Most would have ignored it, hoping that it would detach but the rattling irritated me.

At this point I should have pulled over and attended it in safety at the side of the road, but as we were riding solo I was struggling to keep up with the Honda ahead. Stopping was out of the question. So I inspected the problem on the move.

Imaging the scenario, a real don't try this at home moment. I'm doing forty-five, yes that speed again, leaning back to fiddle with an L-plate that is mounted low and behind the rear wheel. If Gerry Cottle had seen me I would have been signed up there and then.

But I didn't fall off. Not whilst checking the plate. The trouble started when I settled back to look forward. I was still doing forty-five but now there was a pavement directly ahead. Not that the road had changed, just my course.

I did what anyone would do at that time, I hit it fair and square!

The front went airborne and came down on its side, with me half underneath. Luckily the tree-lined avenue was more gap than tree so I came to a slow but mercifully recoverable stop.

I was a bit sore and felt stupid but got back up to ride again. After all, Dave hadn't noticed and was ploughing on regardless. I had to make up time.

I lifted the bike back onto the road, re-selected neutral and re-started the stalled engine.

It started, as usual, first time so I pulled in the clutch to select first gear - and the cable broke.

The impact onto the softened tarmac pavement was taken by the clutch lever which had filled with a tarmac blob that severed the cable when operated. I had no clutch.

No problem, clutches are for pussies anyway. I snicked it into gear and shot off after Dave.

Dave was devastated. He had missed the spectacle and more importantly our chances of pulling were blown. I wanted to go straight home to miss the weekend crowds but Dave wanted his ice-cream. So we went to the beach side and had ice-cream, his topped with crushed nuts, mine with strawberry sauce and gravel rash.

This was eventually followed by a mad dash back home along a crowded bank holiday route with no clutch.

I figured that all I had to do was keep going, so that's what I did. I never dropped below thirty, timed all the traffic lights perfectly, went straight through the roundabouts whether the nearby cars were stopped or not and got all the way to a set of lights in Southampton before a stop caused me to stall. Some forty miles later.

It is amazing what feats are achievable in the face of adversity.

I suppose, in hindsight, I'm rather fond of the Gilera.

It took me on adventures I had never had before and accompanied me through a harrowing time of growing up.

I learnt to ride solo, corner, take passengers and crash.

It was an important time and the moped played its part without complaint.

I handed it back to Mark when I got my Yamaha trial bike at seventeen and started all the adventures again but it was the Gilera that kicked it all off. And in quite a dramatic manner.

I suppose it was a bit like a teenager itself in a way.

Links


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.066 6 Feb 2018
First Published: Version 1.03 in Feb 2005
The first image shows my double denim clad brother Mark sat astride his new Gilera moped in 1977 and was added in Version 5.066 6 Feb 2018.
The second image show the moped under my posession in 1978 during a trip with my friend Jeff on his yellow Yamaha FS1E. Italian style meets Japanese power. The photo was added in Version 5.066 6 Feb 2018.
The third image shows me fiddling with the exhaust pipe of the Gilera, demonstrating admirably that I am a fully qualified trained mechanic, able at least to hold a motorcycle part with just one hand. It was added in Version 5.066 6 Feb 2018. The photo, not the exhaust.



Escalator Etiquette Idea

Mounting Excitement

It's a nice idea to be able to set a trend but I'm having a little difficulty getting this one going all on my own. After all my influence on thousands is fairly limited so maybe all readers could help here.

I say all readers but in truth this only really applies to those in busy metropolii[*]. My personal experience is of the metropolis called London but I guess that this could be a worldwide idea. Though not so much use in the Outer Hebrides.

On escalators it is now normal for those that are too fat, unfit or even have too much time on their hands to stand still and let the moving stairs do the work.

This is appallingly lazy and frankly a hindrance to all those who are too stressed to stand still for thirty seconds.

This lacklustre attitude causes mayhem in many places and as such it has become commonplace in big cities for those that stand to occupy just one side of the travellator allowing others to rush up the other side. This system works quite well so I can't express improvement here.

However, what I do find though is that the escalators are just not quite wide enough for this difference in speed.

Maybe we have all become wider? I know quite a few that would fit that category and some so wide they would have to fit in the next category up.

And the problem is exasperated in winter when everyone dresses like they are in Siberia. Big people in big coats mean a big problem.

But I have a little solution.

I thought of the idea whilst trying to hare up one of the escalators in London. I had travelled halfway up and realised I was adopting a contorted angular shape with my torso. Not easy in public, I assure you. I had this strange forty-five degree gait to avoid crashing into every stationary pedestrian. After all, crashing past with impunity is not only sometimes painful but so terribly rude.

And there is a simple solution that doesn't involve shutting down the underground systems for years on end - sorry Unison.

Why don't the stationary people stand at a jaunty angle?

Simple eh?

This would aide all parties with very little effort. The hares could charge up and get to their heart attack with ease and the tortoises would not have their left shoulders dislocated.

This could be reinforced with signs such as 'Stand on the left, at an angle'.

As an inventor of ideas I am of course duty bound to look at the pitfalls as well as the benefits but I am at a loss as to think of them.

There are even added benefits for the businesses that provide these escalators. All those stood at an angle will be turned toward all the revenue giving advertising. And those that stand still on rising escalators will not have to have their face buried in the bottom of the person in front.

I'm sold, I'll be doing it from now, will you?

After all, as I said at the beginning - I can't do this all by myself.

Links


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.064 2 Feb 2018
First Published: Version 1.03 in Feb 2005
* Question: What is the plural of Metropolis? It is a Greek word so it should be metropoleis. However the word comes to English via the Latin so perhaps should be metropoles. Google cites a common spelling as metropolises. This is why I am not correcting my own spelling as Metropolii. Let's see who wins here



The Big (Issue) Idea

You were begging for it

By some standards I am not an overtly charitable person.

I don't set fire to Oxfam shops or kick Labradors or anything like that but equally if a 'charitable' group deluges my post-box with empty envelopes hoping that they may be filled with silver and returned then they will be sadly disappointed.

And I'm not the first to dig deep in my pockets to give money to the needy on the streets.

It is not that I dislike charity I just believe that as a society we handle the situation wrongly. The more that individuals give the less the need for society to contribute.

I do not object to my taxes being used to help those less in need but do think that it should be a government or council body deciding on distribution to meet genuine needs rather than rely on the success or otherwise of money raising campaigns. Why should a charity with a cute mascot or one with a big budget get the healthiest return?

Inevitably, one set of losers from my stringent policy is street beggars. And there must be quite a few like me as begging has developed to become high tech to compete. Well, I mean high tech in the comparitive world of scruffy tramps.

Now, instead of asking for money in a menacing fashion homeless people can now sell a service, a magazine called The Big Issue. It even has its own website - I told you it was high tech.

Now I have often passed these one product newsstands and seen the vendor struggle to sell their magazine, despite some high profile guests and modern looks. The problem is image and the thought that it is cover to cover with dreary stories of despair, which it isn't.

But being me, I had an answer.

Once, when a scruffy lad asked if I wanted to swap one of my hard earned pounds for his magazines I initially politely declined and started to pass by, when an idea dawned on me.

I stopped and suggested he could either take the price of one magazine in exchange for said article or I could give him an idea to sell hundreds more.

Being a thoughtful, considerate man he mused over the offer for a second or two then demanded his pound.

Then announced in a slur "You're my best friend, you".

Alas, he had missed the opportunity of his lifetime.

In a charitable manner I am now going to give out the advice I had to anyone reading this article.

You see, it occurs to me that the street magazine sellers are missing out on one of the most populous parts of city society - the tourists. And my idea will make the magazine appealing to all of them.


Add a map of the city


Simple.

Now, when you have recovered from the shock of such a simple idea and wondered why you hadn't thought of it you might start to consider the pitfalls.

Copyright is the major downside. Some companies make quite a profit out of selling 'disposable' maps of cities to tourists so they are hardly likely to allow their map to be used. And our national map supplier is not known for it's charitable work.

But this is where the idea still holds ground. Why not draw the city from scratch?

I know that would be a labour consuming process but hey, isn't that what these people do? Walk the streets all day?

The only other pitfall I can see is the image issue.

Do our town mayors want all the tourists approached by a scruffy urchin offering a rain sodden map and a promise that "You're my best mate, you"?

But to deny the scheme for this reason alone would be uncharitable, wouldn't it?

Links


Author: Vince Poynter
Version 5.063 31 Jan 2018
First Published: Version 1.03 in Feb 2005
The Big Issue magazine scheme was launched in London in 1991 to help rough sleepers move from street begging to selling a service and now costs £2.50 per copy with 50% of that price going directly to the vendor. Their website is www.bigissue.com